Georgia on my mind
by FaithSvu93
Summary: Very little is known about detective Amanda Rollins , she appears to be mysterious & dedicated to keep her dark past from her colleagues while Olivia tries to dig deeper & get to know her better. Will she trust Liv enough to open up to her?
1. Chapter 1

**Tuesday, November 19th. 9pm. The special victims unit squad room.**

All the detectives were gone, except Rollins &amp; Benson.

Amanda was working at her desk while Olivia was adjusting to her new office, emptying the last box and putting the picture of her &amp; her mom over the desk.

In an overwhelming moment, Liv grabbed the frame &amp; gazed at it deeply while caressing her mom's face on the picture, releasing a heavy sigh.

After a moment Olivia noticed that someone was still there, so she put back the frame over her desk while sneaking a peek out of the window. She noticed Amanda, head down focused on her paper work. Olivia opened the offices's door and walked to Amanda's desk.

"Hey" said Liv.

Amanda surprised "oh hey, you scared me , I thought I was alone in here...".

Liv "sorry, i didn't mean to scare you, it's so quiet in here at this hour, what are you still doing here?".

Amanda "I was just finishing some paper work, I'd hate to leave it for tomorrow".

"It's okay, give yourself a break" Liv said, concerned .

"I'm okay, don't worry about me, five more minutes &amp; I'll be out of here, sergeant" Amanda said, smiling.

Liv smiled while turning her back &amp; heading to her office, then she suddenly stopped, looked at Amanda &amp; said: "by the way, nice work today, it was pretty tough to get that scumbag to confess, you really cracked him up" .

"Thanks, but he was very predictable, the second he heard the word Jail, he almost peed his pants" Amanda smirked modestly.

Liv smirked back "well, I can't wait to see his face when he'll get sentenced"

Amanda smiled "tell me about it "

Liv went back to her office to finish up arranging her desk, after realizing it was getting late, she decided to turn off her computer then took her coat and purse, then she walked out of her office.

Amanda seemed to have finished her paper work.

"hey Liv... hum... would you like to go grab a drink or something?" Amanda asked her superior.

Liv appeared to be hesitant "Rain check? I'm really sorry, but I'm very tired, I'd rather go home &amp; get some rest. i suggest you do the same".

"oh...yeah...sure of course , it's alright, g'night" Amanda stuttered disappointed.

"G'night" Liv walked out heading to the elevator.

Olivia couldn't help but feel concerned for the Detective, she saw her disappointment after declining her invitation. Liv thought maybe Amanda needed someone to talk to? or maybe just a drink with her colleague? She was not from NYC, so she didn't have any friends around here.

Olivia got into her car, turned the engine on &amp; stood there for a minute, still feeling somehow concerned &amp; guilty thinking to herself that she'd make it up to her tomorrow night, she'd offer her a drink &amp; maybe get to know her a little better.

Amanda still at her desk, decided it was time to get going, she wrapped her stuff up &amp; left the squad room heading to her empty apartment. After arriving at her place, she opened the door &amp; turned on the lights.

"oh for god's sake...how long have you been here &amp; you haven't even been able to make friends? how Pathetic always shutting off people..." Amanda sighed murmuring to herself.

Amanda headed to the bathroom &amp; started taking off her clothes to take a bath. Fifteen minutes later after she was done bathing, She headed to her bedroom to dry herself up, then put on a white shirt &amp; shorts. over her bed was lying a towel that she grabbed to dry her hair up.

Nonchalantly she walked into the kitchen to get a beer, then settled herself up on the couch while turning on the tv &amp; taking a sip of her beverage. One hour later, feeling her eyelids getting heavier, Amanda stood up &amp; headed to the bathroom to brush her teeth then desperately walked back to her bedroom, particularly despising that moment since she knew what was she going to go through. it was the same story practically every night. she sat on the edge of her bed to set on the alarm then turned off the lights. she tucked herself in the bed &amp; closed her eyes hoping that the nightmares she'd been having ever since she got to new york won't appear tonight ... but a girl can dream, can't she?

...

**Wednesday, November 20th. ****3:00 am. Amanda Rollins' apartment.**

The apartment was quiet. The lights were off, everything seemed peaceful but that didn't last long. Amanda in her bedroom, eyes closed lying on her bed. she was heavily sweating &amp; quivering. something wasn't right. Still asleep but fighting to get out of the dream world that she appeared to be stuck into. she rolled over into the other side of the bed, still shaking, heavily breathing, sweating ... desperately fighting.

These were Amanda Rollins' nights sleep ever since that event that happened in Atlanta two years ago. The day that changed her life forever. The reason why she was transferred to New york city.

6:00 am the alarm went off Amanda opened her eyes widely, still shaking &amp; horrified from the nightmares she was fighting all night long. she stopped the alarm while dragging her feet out of the bed and sat there for a moment trying to erase all those images from her mind.

Without even realizing what was happening to her, tears started rushing down her face, in a despair moment she grabbed her head between her shaking hands trying to get herself to calm down. Few minutes later, Amanda stood to go to the bathroom &amp; while Gazing at the mirror, she couldn't stand what it was reflecting to her.

After washing her face &amp; brushing her teeth, she took a quick shower then went back to her bedroom to dress up, she didnt want to spend anymore time alone in that smothering apartment, she needed some air so she grabbed her car keys &amp; left the cold place.

she got inside her car, put her purse on the passenger's seat &amp; stood there lost in her thoughts. images started crossing her mind. Images that she would rather forget about.

In a hopeless moment her hands began to shake uncontrollably, so she tightened her hands making fists, and after taking a deep breath, the unsustainable images finally disappeared. Amanda turned the engine on &amp; started driving.

...

**Wednesday, November 20th. 8:00 am. The special victims unit squad room.**

Amanda arrived down the precinct and proceeded to park her car. After penetrating the locals she called the elevator.

The elevator's doors opened, she climbed in and pressed the 2nd floor's button.

Right before the doors were about to close.

"Hold the elevator!" someone yelled.

Amanda held the doors open.

"oh Amanda, good morning!" Nick said smiling. "thanks for holding it" he added.

"Good morning. no problem" she smiled back at him.

while the elevator is going up, an awkward silence suddenly made an appearance.

"So, did you sleep well?" Nick said breaking the silence.

"like a baby" Amanda lied .

Before she could ask him back, the elevator's doors opened.

They both got out of the elevator walking down heading to the squad room.

When Amanda walked in &amp; saw all these people at the precinct, she found herself drowning in her dark thoughts again...

"Here i'm. Another day of pretend. Another day playing the super detective while bottling up my feelings. Another day pretending to be strong and dealing with this excruciating pain while having a straight face. Another day pretending to be okay. But when will this pain end? how much can i stand?... "

"Good morning Amanda, slept well?" said Fin, interrupting her thoughts.

"Morning ... oh Like a baby" smiling, She lied again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Wednesday, November 20th. 10:00 am. The special victims unit squad room.**

Amanda Rollins, sitting at her desk was trying hard to keep herself busy to avoid getting trapped back in the vicious circle that was her mind, but mostly to avoid any friendly contact with her colleagues fearing they'd notice that she wasn't acting like herself lately.

It was working pretty good, nobody at the precinct noticed anything weird about her behaviour. That was one of Amanda's various skills, keeping everything to herself &amp; cautiously avoiding any friendly contact with her colleagues because she knew deep down, that if she ever opened up to one of them about what was consuming her deep down, even to her partner, she wouldn't be able to look at them anymore or even at herself for the same matter. She knew how supportive they could be, just like when they helped her through her gambling issues, but this was way worse... and she couldn't just risk saying anything. she didn't want to be treated as a victim or feel vulnerable.

Bringing Amanda back to the world of pretend, a young lady filled with confusion walked in the squad room.

"Hello, can i help you?" Amanda stood from her desk, walking towards the girl

"hum... i don't know... my... uh... my name is Sam... Samantha Robins... i ... i think...hum... i might have been raped..." Stuttered Samantha, extremely disturbed.

"Okay honey, it's gonna be alright, we're gonna take care of you, can you follow me please? over here" Amanda assured the confused victim leading her to Olivia's office.

"...okay..." Samantha replied, faithless

"I'm detective Amanda Rollins and this is Sergeant Olivia Benson , we're here to help you. Can you tell us what happened?" inquired Amanda

"i...i told you... i was raped..." Samantha replied

Noticing how confused Samantha was, Amanda knew that she needed a lot of patience to get accurate information from her.

"Yes alright, can you tell us when did that happen?" asked Olivia calmly

"hum... last night" Said Samantha with a shaky voice

"would you tell us where did it happen?" Amanda said while taking notes

"my campus... college... i'm a college student...at the NYU" Mumbled Samantha

"okay honey, you're doing fine, do you remember what time was it?" asked Olivia softly

"... it was late at night... i was studying at the library and when i was done... i left ... i ... know it's not safe to walk out there alone... but... but... it's all my fault..." Said Samantha sobbing

Olivia grabbing Samantha's hands, said with a reassuring tone "Samantha listen to me, look at me, it's not your fault, what happened to you is NOT your fault!"

shortly, Samantha started to calm down

"we're gonna take a short break" said Olivia

"i'm gonna get you some water, okay? i'll be right back" said Amanda

Amanda left the office feeling nauseous, she was fighting hard to forget all the nightmares that were haunting her and she was making tremendous efforts not to let them overpower her.

Amanda headed to the vending machine &amp; bought a bottle of water then went back to Liv's office.

"here, drink some water" Said Amanda calmly, handing the bottle to Samantha

"thank you" replied Samantha

"shall we continue?" Asked Olivia gently

"okay" Replied Samantha

"now honey, would you tell us about your attacker? do you remember what he looked like? did he have any distinctive marks or tattoos, anything that could help us identify him?" Asked Amanda

"it was dark... i couldn't see his face... he was so strong... he, he grabbed me from behind and... and... threw me behind the bushes..." Said Samantha sobbing

"Did you scream? or tried to call for help?" asked Amanda

"yes...at first ... but then he put a knife on my throat and he said if i screamed again... he'd... he'd slit my throat..." muttered Sam weeping

"okay, you did good Sam, you are alive and that's the only thing that matters now" asserted Benson.

Sam nodded silently still crying.

"did you recognize his voice?" Asked Amanda.

"no... " replied Samantha desperately.

"that's okay, can you tell us what happened next?" Amanda asked, gently

"he... he unzipped his pants &amp; forced me to take off my skirt... and then he raped me over &amp; over &amp; over..." responded Sam crying

Olivia trying to reassure the victim " it's okay, Sam , it's gonna be okay , you're doing good , we're gonna help you get through this ".

Samantha's last words triggered Amanda's nightmares at a breaking point.

Suddenly, Amanda's hands started shaking uncontrollably.

Not wanting to get herself noticed by her superior, she stood fast and mumbled "i'll be right back...uh bathroom break" then left the room quickly.

Olivia noticed her suspicious behaviour and knew that something was definitely wrong.

"Samantha, could you give me moment? i'll be right back" Said Olivia

"...sure" replied Samantha confused

Olivia left her office heading to the bathroom. Once inside, she noticed Amanda throwing cold water at her face repeatedly .

"hey, are you okay? what was that all about?" asked Olivia

Amanda replied with a surprised face " what are you talking about?"

"Amanda , don't play me, i saw your hands..." insisted Olivia

Amanda replied with confusion " it's nothing, just cramps, i'm just dehydrated"

"oh really? dehydrated? you can do better than this detective" said Olivia outraged

Amanda exclaimed " IT'S NOTHING!" then added calmly while releasing a heavy sigh "i'm... i'm sorry... it's okay! don't worry about it Olivia"

Olivia kept staring at her, utterly surprised.

"oh so you want me not to worry about it? i'm your superior, detective! for god's sake i'm in charge of this unit! i need my detectives to be fully focused! " Olivia yelled angrily

"i'm aware of that sergeant. And i'm fully focused" Replied back Amanda head down

"Are you?" objected Olivia doubting the detective

Olivia turned her back to Amanda &amp; while walking away from the bathroom she added with a threatening tone "you better get it together, Rollins"

Amanda stayed there in disbelief, completely shaked up from the argument she just had with her superior and then the inevitable happened, she started drowning in her dark thoughts again...

"she knows... she knows something is up, how can i get out of this? i can't tell her. Especially not her, i can't ... i need to get my shit together damn it..."

Olivia went back to her office.

"I'm sorry i kept you waiting" Apologized Olivia

"it's okay..." Replied Samantha

shortly, Amanda walked in, avoiding eye contact with her superior and sat beside the victim.

"Samantha , i know this is hard, but we want to help you , and we need as much details as possible" Explained Olivia

"Alright, i'll try..." Replied Samantha uncertain

"do you remember if he used a condom?" Asked Olivia

"...hum...He did... he was very cautious about it..." Replied Samantha, feeling ashamed

"okay , and after he was done, what did he do?" Asked Olivia

"he... he told me to keep my eyes shut...then he ran away" Samantha replied. "can i go home now please? i'm exhausted" Begged Samantha

"Not yet honey but soon, we're gonna have to drive you to the hospital to get you to do a rape kit, it's really important, it'll help find if the perpetrator left any DNA on you " Answered Olivia, softly

"...okay, hum...is it gonna hurt?" Sam asked, scared

"no it won't, we will be there with you every step of the way and right after you're done, we'll drive you home" Replied Olivia smiling

"alright..." answered Samantha, hesitant

"can we call someone for you? your parents maybe?" asked Amanda

"they're not in town, they live in Texas , i have nobody in here..." replied Samantha saddened.

Amanda gazing at Samantha stayed silent.

"Detective Rollins is going to drive you to the hospital now, and i will join you later. don't worry Samantha, it's going to be okay" Olivia reassured

"shall we go?" asked Amanda while leading Samantha out of Liv's office.

Olivia stepped out of her office, talking to Fin and Nick.

"Guys, we have a delicate case in here, a college student Samantha Robins, she was raped in her campus last night at the NYU , near the library. i want you two to go there and ask around, talk to the librarian, the director... and see if she has any friends, any ennemies..."Olivia Ordered the detectives

"we're on it, sergeant" Affirmed Nick

Nick and Fin picked up their coats and left the squad room.

Olivia went back to her office and couldn't help herself but think about what happened with Rollins while feeling guilty.

"her behaviour wasn't normal...after fifteen years working at SVU, i can recognize someone suffering from a PTSD. i've blew it up with her already...how can i get her to talk to me? if i go direct on her, she's probably gonna shut down and get worse... i was too hard on her earlier...damn it..."

Lost in her thoughts, Olivia grabbed her coat and car keys then left the building heading to mercy hospital.

...

**Wednesday, November 20th. 12:00 pm. The Mercy Hospital.**

When Liv arrived, she showed her badge to the doctor and proceeded to ask him about Samantha Robins. He informed her that the rape kit was done and already sent to the lab, he would get in touch with her as soon as the results were back. Then he walked Liv to Samantha's room where she was getting dressed while Amanda was waiting outside the room.

Liv asked Amanda, concerned " hey, how is she?"

"She's 20, all alone and got sexually assaulted, how do you think she is?" Amanda snapped at her superior sarcastically

"Excuse me?" Liv replied, surprised

"i'm sorry... she's okay" Amanda replied back softly

"Alright..." Olivia replied

Samantha finished up dressing then met Amanda &amp; Olivia outside her room.

"Can we go home now?" asked Samantha

"yes, let's go" replied Olivia

...

**Wednesday, November 20th. 3:00 pm.**

After dropping Samantha home, Amanda and Olivia were heading back to the office, Liv was driving and could feel the tension setting up between the two of them then she decided to break the silence.

"Look Amanda, i apologize for earlier... i was too hard on you... i'm sorry" Said Liv feeling guilty

"Well that was an unexpected move! what is she trying to do here?" Thought Amanda silently then added, forcing herself to smile "it's okay, it wasn't a big deal, we're good"

"How about i make it up to you tonight? you wanna go grab a drink ? we could talk? not as your superior, just as friends, what do you say?" Asked Olivia with fear to be rejected

"if i say no, she'd think i'm hiding something, but if i say yes, she'd want to talk about this morning's incident and try to dig deeper... damn it ... but also, i dont want to go home so early ... i will have to face the nightmares sooner or later... better be later then..." Amanda thought silently.

"uh...sure ... okay... why not" added Amanda, trying to sound as genuine as possible.

"Great!" Replied Olivia, relieved from the answer she just heard.


	3. Chapter 3

**Wednesday, November 20th. 3:00 pm. The new york university.**

After Nick and Fin arrived at the campus, they proceeded to interrogate people around, asking them if they witnessed anything unusual or heard any screams the previous night. According to the campus security, it was a quiet night and nothing suspect was noticed near the library. Even the security footage was not available. Heading to the library, the detectives talked in vain to the librarian, an old man with hearing issues who seemed to be nothing else but a fossil waiting for his retirement.

"It's november, the mid terms are ahead, so the library should be filled with students at night, and yet nobody heard or saw anything? ... strange" Nick told Fin while heading to the director's office. Fin nodded in agreement.

Once the director accepted to meet the detectives, she greeted them in her office.

"Detectives, please take a seat" The director requested Politely.

"Thank you Mrs Anderson" Replied Nick.

"What can i do for New york's finest?" Asked Mrs Anderson, smiling.

"A student of your college was attacked last night, near the library, her name is Samantha Robins, what can you tell us about her?" Asked Fin.

"Oh dear lord! is she okay?" Replied Mrs Anderson Horrified.

"She's in good care now, but very traumatised...you appear to personally know her?" Replied Fin, intrigued.

"Yes i know her! she's my Daughter's Best friend ...This is horrible ... how could that even happen ... , My daughter and Sam are inseparable... Beckie's gonna be devastated when she'll hear the news..." Said Mrs Anderson saddened.

"Beckie? is that your daughter?" Asked Nick.

"Yes" replied Mrs Anderson then added "have you spoken to the security guards?".

"We have, but they didn't notice anything unusual ..." Nick replied

"So what can you tell us about Samantha Robins" Asked Fin.

"She's a sweet girl, same age as my daughter, they're both sophomores... she's a good student, never caused any trouble... she's a very serious element" Replied Mrs Anderson.

"Alright, Do you happen to know if she has a boyfriend?" Asked Nick while taking notes.

"I don't know..."Replied Mrs Anderson.

"We're gonna have to talk to your daughter" requested Fin.

"Uh... yes... let me call her" Answered Mrs Anderson, hesitantly

"Beckie could you come to my office, SVU detectives are in here , they're here for Sam, she was attacked last night, they want to ask you some questions..." Said Mrs Anderson talking to Beckie on the phone.

"She's coming" Said Mrs Anderson to the detectives after hanging up her phone.

Five minutes later, Beckie Anderson arrived at the office confused.

"Mom , what happened?" Asked Beckie, Horrified.

"They said she was raped last night" replied Mrs Anderson.

"What? oh my god! is she okay?" Asked Beckie panicked while looking at the detectives.

"She's okay..." Replied Fin then added "we have few questions to ask you about her".

"Yes, sure ..." Replied Becky.

"Does she have any boyfriend?" Asked Nick.

"She doesn't...but... " Said Beckie hesitant.

"What is it Beckie?" Inquired Fin intrigued.

"Well there's that guy, who was extremely interested in her but she wasn't into him... he asked her out many times but she always refused... she told me that she didn't like him even though he was nice" explained Beckie.

"What's his name?" Asked Nick while taking notes.

"Ethan James, he's a junior..." Replied Beckie

"Where can we find him?" Demanded Fin.

"He must be in class now" Replied Beckie then added after looking at Mrs Anderson "Mom ... i wanna go to see her now, she needs me...".

"I'll drive you to her apartment honey..."Replied Mrs Anderson.

"Is that it detectives?" Asked Mrs Anderson.

"We're done, but could you show us Ethan james' class?" Replied Nick.

"Sure, follow me... " Said Mrs Anderson then she added "is he the prime suspect?".

"We don't know yet, we just want to ask him few questions" Replied Nick purposely not revealing much.

After Mrs Anderson walked the detectives to Ethan james' classroom, she left with her daughter taking her to visit her Best friend Samantha.

Fin and Nick penetrated the classroom and asked for Ethan James to step out of the class.

"Is there a problem detectives?" Wondered Ethan.

"We just want to ask you few questions" Replied Fin.

"Concerning what?" Asked Ethan intrigued.

"What can you tell us about Samantha Robins?" Asked Nick.

"Oh Sam? she's very hot, i've been trying to hook up with her for a while now but she always turned me down... she's hard to conquer, you know what i mean detectives..." Smirked Ethan.

"No we don't, you punk" Replied Fin dryly then Nick Added "she was sexually assaulted last night. do you know anything about that?" asked Nick, irritated by Ethan's arrogance.

"What? she was raped?... wait... you think i did that?" Replied Ethan with astonishment.

"You sure have a solid motive... she turned down your propositions so many times but you couldn't take no for an answer, could you?..." Said Nick while accusing Ethan madly.

"I swear i didn't do anything! i'm not a rapist! i really had a crush on her but when she turned me down i let go i swear!" Said Ethan, genuinely scared.

"Where were you last night from 9pm to midnight" Asked Fin.

"At a party, in a club... downtown" replied Ethan.

"We're gonna have to check your alibi" Said Nick.

"Yeah sure go ahead ! i'm innocent detectives. I would never hurt anybody" Replied Ethan.

"We'll be in touch, don't go far..." Said Nick in a threatening tone.

Nick and Fin left the campus heading to the club downtown to check Ethan James' alibi.

"You believe the kid?" Asked Nick while driving.

"He sure is arrogant ... but he was genuinely panicked when we told him about Sam" Replied Fin.

"He could be a good actor..." said Nick.

"Don't jump into conclusions man..." Replied Fin.

Nick smirked silently.

...

**Wednesday, November 20th. 7:00 pm. The Special victims unit Squad room.**

Amanda was at her desk still thinking about what had happened with Olivia earlier that day and about what she told her in the car.

"Is she trying to be my friend? what's the purpose of her inviting me for a drink? maybe she's hoping i'd spit every part of my life out while being under the influence? mhh... uhh i'm so paranoid ... it's not Liv's style ... it's probably her way of showing me that she cares...".

interrupting her thoughts, Fin and Nick walked in the squad room heading to Liv's office to brief her on the ongoing case. Amanda joined them.

"Hey ,so anything new?" Asked Liv.

"We spoke to the director , her daughter Beckie happened to be Sam's best friend, she told us about a guy Ethan James who was interested in her , we spoke to him , he seemed to be the perfect suspect but we checked out his alibi &amp; he told us the truth, apparently he was at a party last night , couldn't have attacked the girl..." replied Nick.

"What about the rape kit results?" Olivia asked.

"I was just on the phone with Warner and she said there were no semen on her, no DNA, nothing ... just several bruises... nothing to help us identify the perp..." Amanda replied back, disappointed.

"So we've got nothing..." Said Fin.

"I still believe Ethan has something to do with that..." Assured Nick.

"We checked out his alibi, Nick... it couldn't have been him... he was an hour away from the campus..." Explained Fin, calmly.

"I know!..." Overreacted Nick.

"Okay guys calm down... tomorrow Rollins and i will talk to Sam again , we'll ask her about Ethan... there's nothing much we can do for tonight... go home" Ordered Liv.

"Got it sergeant " Replied Nick.

The detectives proceeded to leave Olivia's office heading back to their desks to finish paper work.

...

**Wednesday, November 20th. 9:30 pm. The Special victims unit Squad room.**

Olivia left her office heading to Amanda's desk.

"Still up for that drink?" Liv asked smiling.

"Oh yeah sure" replied Amanda forcing a smiling.

"Girly night! nice!" Teased Fin.

"Shut up Fin" Said Amanda joking, but obviously annoyed by Fin's reflexion.

"Good night everyone" Said nick.

"I'm out too" Replied Fin.

"Good night guys" Liv replied.

Amanda couldn't help herself but feel anxious about this "girly night", she still couldn't see Olivia as anything else but her superior and it was actually hard for Amanda to act cool in front of her because whenever they talk, all Amanda could remember was the confrontation they had when Liv found out about the illegal Gambling club, and how she told her that she'd never trust her anymore...

...

**Wednesday, November 20th. 10:30 pm. at the Bar**

After Amanda and Olivia arrived at the bar, they sat on the counter next to each other.

"Two beers please" Liv ordered.

"Coming right up ma'am" Replied the bartender.

An awkward silence took place between the two ladies.

Olivia finally breaking the silence said "So Amanda ... what's your story?".

"My story? what makes you believe i have a story?" Replied Amanda feeling very uncomfortable.

"Oh we all have stories, that's what makes us who we are, don't you think?" Liv said, smiling.

"I don't know... i guess..." replied Amanda, shyly.

"Look... i feel like there's some sort of an uncomfortable vibe between us... i don't want you to think that you're talking to your superior... we're just two women having a drink &amp; eventually sharing... no big deal... i'm no longer Sergeant Benson &amp; you're no longer Detective Rollins... how's that sound?" clarified Liv.

Amanda replied smiling "Sounds good...Liv".

"Mhh... okay... so she wants to be my friend then? let's see where this is going to lead me" thought Amanda silently.

"Here are your beers, ladies" The bartender said while serving the cold beverages.

"Thanks" The girls simultaneously replied.

"How about we play a little game? Itell you something personal about me and you do the same..." Liv proposed.

"I'm in... and since it's your idea then i suggest you go first..."Said Amanda smirking.

"You got me!" Smiled Liv.

"Okay so ... hum...let me see... I was once engaged to a guy when i was 16, he was 21... he was my first love and i thought he was the one ..." Confessed Olivia.

"16! what did your parents say?" Asked Amanda surprised.

"My mom...She was close to have a heart attack..." Smiled Olivia then added "your turn, Georgia peach!".

Amanda smirked and said "Let me see... hum...my dad had big gambling issues... i know what you're gonna say...like father like daughter...".

"I've always been against that saying ..." Said Liv gazing away.

"What do you mean?" Asked Amanda intrigued.

"Long story... but short version...I'm the fruit of my mother's rape..." Confessed Liv while looking away then added, looking back at Amanda and half smiling "and i guess i didn't turn into a monster like my biological father, did i?...".

Amanda was definitely not expecting a confession like this, she was genuinely surprised and amazed by Olivia's strength, but that confused her even more, and the fact that she deliberately opened up to her about it appeared strange to Amanda.

"Why would she tell me something like this? it's not something we could confess to anyone after inviting them for a drink... does that mean that she trusts me again? what's this all about..." Thought Amanda silently.

"I'm sorry Liv... but why are you telling me this?" Asked Amanda confused.

"I thought we were confessing personal things to each other?" Replied Liv smiling.

"Yeah ... but..." Said Amanda without finishing her sentence.

Liv interrupted her " Look... let's cut to the chase here, okay?... lately, i've noticed that you are not yourself... constantly freaking out, snapping at anyone... clearly there's something wrong... , and i just want to help you... your behaviour reminds me of... mine...i have been through the same thing a while ago ".

"You did?... it's just, i've been having rough nights lately...mostly due to nightmares" confessed Amanda hesitant.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Olivia asked the young detective.

"Do i? would it make me feel better? would it help me get through it?..."Thought Amanda silently while looking away.


	4. Chapter 4

_Hey guys, i'm back with a new chapter, i haven't been able to write for more than 2 weeks due to personal issues but it's all good now. thank you guys so much for the reviews, hope you'll enjoy this chapter. i'll be looking forward to all upcoming critics &amp; reviews, thanks._

* * *

**Wednesday, November 20th. 11:30 pm. At the Bar.**

Amanda sitting next to Olivia was extremely confused &amp; dubious, she had a tremendous envy to get that heavy weight out of her chest, to pour her heart out, to break the silence but she couldn't. It was too much of a burden to be confessed without facing any consequences, even though she knew she could trust Liv but still, her emotional injuries weren't healed, and she never believed that time could heal them anyway. Her dark thoughts tormented her too much to let her old, but still fresh bleeding wounds, turn into old scars. Amanda Rollins was too damaged on the inside to let anyone in, though she always reflected an image of a strong and confident woman, but that was just a shell. All she did for the past 3 years that she'd been working at SVU was rejecting anyone who tried to reach out to her &amp; truly cared for her.

"... It was back when i was working in Atlanta..." Amanda finally said, breaking her silence without making any eye contact with Olivia.

Olivia kept looking intensely at Amanda, not wanting to interrupt her in her confession.

"...Some guy i knew...on the job..." Amanda said, while trying hard not to show her shaky voice, in vain.

"... It wasn't worth pursuing..." Amanda said with difficulties, while tears were coming down her face.

"Why not?" Said Liv, gently.

"...He had power... and i didn't. ... Even if i told... nobody would've ever believed me..." Sighed Amanda while wipping out the tears off her face.

Olivia didn't want to push Amanda any further but she still wanted to figure out what exactly happened back then, she compassionately put her hand over Amanda's shoulder.

"What happened?" Said Olivia, apprehending Amanda's reaction.

"I...i'm not feeling well Olivia, i need some air ..." Amanda Stood up, gasping for air.

"Okay calm down... let me walk you out ... just take it easy... it's gonna be alright" Olivia said, while putting twenty box over the counter, then she held Amanda by her shoulder, leading her outside the bar.

Amanda leaned against the wall while Olivia was standing in front of her, grabbing her from her shoulders.

"Here, look at me Amanda... take it easy ... you're just hyperventilating... take a deep breath..."Olivia said, trying to help Amanda to get her to calm down.

Amanda started calming down after five long minutes with Olivia standing by her side.

"Im sorry Amanda... i shouldn't have...it's my fault..." Apologized Olivia, feeling guilty.

"...It's okay... i'm... i'm okay..." Muttered Amanda, while taking short breaths.

"I can't let you go home like this on your own ..." Said Olivia worried.

"...Don't worry Liv... i'm okay" Mumbled Amanda.

"..No you're not, sweety. How about you sleep over for tonight?" Suggested Olivia, genuinely worried.

Amanda still feeling shaked up from the panic attack she just suffered in the bar, didn't want to go to her empty apartment. She didn't want to be left alone with her dark thoughts and her demons haunting her endlessly.

"...I don't want to be a burden ..." Quietly said Amanda.

"Don't be silly Amanda, you're always welcome in my place" Said Olivia, smiling.

Olivia walked Amanda to the car then they both drove to Liv's apartment.

...

**Thursday, November 21st. 12:00 am. Olivia's apartment.**

Olivia arrived at her place with Amanda, after they penetrated the house, Olivia offered Amanda to make some her tea while leading her to the couch.

"Here...make yourself comfortable... i'm gonna get the tea ... if you need anything don't hesitate, okay?" Said Olivia with concern.

Amanda nodded silently then added, forcing a smile "It's okay... thank you".

Olivia went to the kitchen and proceeded to make some tea, and after it was ready, she headed back to the living room offering a cup of tea to Amanda with some biscuits.

"Here, drink this, it's gonna make you feel better... this is camomille tea" Olivia said while handing her the hot cup.

Amanda held the cup, feeling its warmth between her cold hands then she said after taking a sip " ... i'm sorry Olivia...".

Liv replied with surprise "Sorry? about what? i'm the one who should apologize for pushing you too hard!".

Amanda kept looking away without saying anything.

Olivia added after a long pause " Listen Amanda, you really need help with this... i want to help you get through it ...you need closure...".

"I...i know..." Replied Amanda in despair.

Noticing how Amanda was still febrile, Olivia stood and said "we'll talk about this tomorrow okay? you need to get some sleep ... you take my room and i'll sleep on the couch...".

"what? no Liv, it's okay, the couch is fine for me, i promise!" Said Amanda feeling uncomfortable.

"Oh i wasn't asking! it's an order, detective " Smirked Liv.

Amanda smiled back and said " But really ... you don't have to! ".

"i insist, Amanda " Replied Olivia.

Olivia took the tea cups back to the kitchen then headed to her bedroom to prepare the bed for Amanda, then she picked a blanket out of closet and headed back to the living room.

"It's getting late, you should probably go get some rest, you can find some pajamas on the top drawer... suit yourself" Said Olivia.

"Alright..." Replied Amanda, then while heading to the bedroom, she stopped, looking back at Liv and added "Hey... Thank you...".

"Don't mention it" Liv replied back smiling.

Olivia tucked herself in the couch and couldn't fall asleep, she was worried about Amanda, she didn't know what kind of approach she should use with her. She wasn't sure if Amanda really trusted her or not. It was the first time Olivia didn't know how to handle a victim suffering from a post traumatic stress disorder. Maybe because she didn't consider Amanda as any other victim but she considered her more as a friend, and that's what made it different. Olivia was emotionally involved and it affected her professional judgment.

...

**Thursday, November 21st. 07:00 am. Olivia's apartment.**

Amanda was first to wake up, she had a restless night sleep, so instead of reminiscing her thoughts silently, she decided to make herself useful and prepare breakfast as a thank you for Olivia.

"Morning" Said Liv, slowly waking up.

"Oh sorry i woke you up" Apologized Amanda.

"It's actually the nice smell of coffee and pancakes that woke me up, so it's perfectly okay" Smiled Olivia while heading to the kitchen counter.

"Oh good" Replied Amanda, smiling back.

"so, how did you sleep?" Asked Olivia concerned.

"i prefer not to talk about it, if you don't mind" Replied Amanda sharply.

"I'm sorry..." Said Olivia, feeling uncomfortable.

"it's okay, it's not your fault" Replied Amanda.

Olivia and Amanda proceeded to take their breakfast in silence. After they were done, Olivia started to clean up the kitchen counter.

"These pancakes were delicious! you're a real chef" Smirked Olivia.

Amanda smirked back "Thanks" then added " i think i'm gonna head home to get ready for work".

"Amanda, i don't think it's a good idea, maybe you should take a day off or two?" Replied Olivia.

"No Liv, don't ... please , i can't stay home alone , it will do me no good, i promise ... i feel better when i'm at work, i feel useful, besides we have to interrogate Sam Robins and i think she'll be more comfortable with two women talking to her instead of Fin &amp; Nick ... please " stuttered Amanda.

"Okay! calm down!" Said Liv then added " Just promise me one thing, will you?".

"What?" Asked Amanda, surprised.

"If you have these flashbacks again or any anxiety attack during work, i'd want you to come see me in my office. Don't you think for a second that you are on your own, okay? i'm here for you, my door will always be open" Explained Olivia.

"I'll make sure to remember that... thanks" Replied Amanda smiling.

Amanda headed back to the bedroom to get dressed then while leaving Liv's apartment she said " i'll be quick".

"it's okay Amanda , meet me up down the building around 8:30am and we'll head to Sam Robins' apartment" Clarified Olivia.

"Got it" Amanda Replied.

Amanda left Liv's apartment heading to the car, then she drove to her place to take a quick shower &amp; change clothes. After she was ready, she left her building while sinking into her thoughts again, thinking about how Olivia was being helpful and nice to her, except that she couldn't help herself but constantly wonder if Olivia was being genuine with her? or she was just handling her as she would've handled any another victim dealing with PTSD?  
Amanda had big trust issues and was emotionally unstable, she didn't know what to feel or think anymore.

...

**Thursday, November 21st. 08:30 am. Olivia's building.**

Amanda just parked the car in front of Liv's building then she proceeded to call her on the phone, but before she could say anything, Liv interrupted her "I'll be right there".

"Alright" Replied Amanda, then hung up the phone.

Few minutes later, Liv appeared on the front porch then she climbed inside the car, and said "Shall we?".

"Here we go" Replied Amanda smiling.


	5. Chapter 5

_hey guys, i'm really glad you liked the previous chapter, i hope you'll enjoy this one too !_

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**Thursday, November 21st. 09:30 am. Samantha Robins' apartment.**

Olivia and Amanda just arrived in front of Sam's porch, after knocking several times, nobody answered the door.

"She's not here" Said Olivia, disappointed.

"Maybe she's just asleep? i'm gonna call her on her cell" Proposed Amanda, while taking her phone out of her back pocket.

"Mhh...She's not answering" Said Amanda, genuinely worried.

"Let's ask the neighbors, maybe they know where she is?" Suggested Olivia.

Amanda nodded silently.

Olivia and Amanda headed to Sam's neighbor's apartment, after Liv knocked twice on the door, an old lady appeared.

"Good morning ladies! what can i do for you?" Said the old woman, smiling.

"Good morning ma'am, i'm sergeant Benson and this is detective Rollins, NYPD, we're here to see your neighbor Samantha Robins, but apparently she isn't home, did you happen to see her last night?" Asked Olivia.

"Oh Sammy! what a lovely girl, she's a doll, she's like the daughter i never had ... in fact i saw her last night when i was walking my dog ... mhh ... though she seemed a bit off ... and her eyes were red and puffy! she didn't even notice i was there ... and before i could say anything to her she was already gone ... she went home &amp; i never saw her since ... i was gonna go to see her after walking my dog but it was really late, she must have been sleeping by then " Answered the old woman, then she added, worried " ... is she in some kind of trouble?"

Olivia and Amanda looked at each other worried, none of them answering the old woman's question.

"We really need to talk to her, Ma'am ..." Said Olivia, impatiently.

"Oh wait, i have a spare key of her apartment ... sometimes i cook a pie for her &amp; i leave it in her oven ... she's such a busy girl with her studies! she barely has time to eat something!" Said the Old woman.

"You do?! yes please Ma'am!" Replied Amanda, concerned.

The old woman walked Liv and Amanda to Sam's apartment &amp; proceeded to open the door. After they got in, the old lady started to call Sam's name.

"Sammy...honey? Are you here?" Gently yelled the old lady.

Nobody answered her.

Amanda walking towards the bedroom, opened the door and found Samantha Robins lying in her bed with an empty bottle of medications near her.

"Liv! CALL A BUS!" Yelled Amanda, while running to Sam to check her pulse then added, in panick " SHE'S NOT BREATHING! SHE TOOK A WHOLE BOTTLE OF AN ANTIDEPRESSANT!"

Amanda started performing a CPR procedure on Sam to get her to breathe again.

Olivia headed fast towards the bedroom while taking her radio and shouted "Dispatch! Send a bus at 55 central park west, building C, apartment 2! we have a suicide attempt , a twenty one year old girl who ingested a full bottle of antidepressant! hurry she's not breathing!"

"oh my god ! Sammy!" Yelled the old woman, sobbing.

"Ma'am step back!" Ordered Olivia.

"SHE'S NOT BREATHING LIV! SHE'S NOT BREATHING!" Yelled Amanda in panick while still performing CPR.

Five minutes later, the paramedics rushed into the apartment.

"Step back detective! we got it from here !" Ordered the paramedic to Amanda, then they proceeded to intubate Samantha.

"I ... i tried everything ... She's not breathing ... she's not breathing ...i... couldn't... save ... her ..." Stuttered Amanda with a low voice, while putting her hands over her head, tears falling down her face.

Olivia trying to keep the old lady away from Sam's bedroom, didn't notice Amanda's behavior.

"We got a pulse! " Yelled the paramedic to his colleague, then added "We need to take her to the hospital now!".

Amanda in shock, couldn't believe that Sam was still alive, she leaned back against the wall and crouched, while Olivia was still trying to get the old lady to calm down.

The paramedics put Samantha on a stretcher and headed to the apartment entrance, in a hurry.

"I want to go with her!" yelled the old lady to Olivia, sobbing .

"Okay ma'am, just calm down... she's going to be fine!" Reassured Olivia .

Olivia and the old woman followed the paramedics down stairs to the ambulance.

"She's coming with her!" Said Olivia to the paramedic, while leading the old woman to climb the back of the ambulance.

"Are you coming detective?" Asked the paramedic in a hurry .

Liv noticing that Amanda wasn't around, she took a minute before answering.

"We'll meet you there!" Shouted Liv to the paramedic.

While watching the ambulance leave, Olivia turned around to see if Amanda was near by, but she was nowhere to be found.

Olivia worried, headed back to Samantha's apartment looking for Amanda.

"Amanda! are you here?" Yelled Liv, concerned.

Amanda still crouched against the wall in Sam's bedroom with her hands curled up in fists, didn't reply.

Olivia headed quickly to Sam's bedroom to find Amanda motionless, puffy eyes with no tears while gazing away.

"Amanda? what are you doing? are you okay?" Asked Liv, while approaching Amanda slowly.

Amanda couldn't say anything. She couldn't form any coherent sentence. She was in shock from what just happened.

Olivia getting closer to Amanda, noticed that she was in shock.

"Amanda, honey... it's okay... it's gonna be fine..." Said Olivia, while crouching down to get close to Amanda.

After five minutes of heavy silence, Amanda finally spoke.

"...She...she wasn't... b...breathing...i... i... couldn't ... save ... her" Muttered Amanda, while cold tears were rushing down her face.

"Amanda listen to me... look at me!" Olivia shouted at Amanda, trying to get her attention, while putting her hands on Amanda's shoulders.

Olivia trying to reassure Amanda "Sam is still alive! she is alive thanks to you! the CPR you practiced on her saved her ...".

And before Olivia could even finish her sentence, Amanda burst in tears into Liv's Arms.

"It's okay... it's gonna be fine... you're gonna be fine ... i'm here for you" Reassured Olivia with watery eyes, while holding Amanda in her arms.

After five long minutes, Amanda finally calmed down and understood that her actions helped saving Samantha Robins' life, then Olivia stood Amanda up, holding her by her shoulder, to get her outside of that apartment to get some air.

Once they stood next to the car, Olivia said "You okay?".

"I...i'm fine..." Replied Amanda, looking down.

"Are you sure you wanna go to the hospital? Maybe you should go to the squad room and i'll call you once i know more about Samantha's condition!" Suggested Olivia, still worried about Amanda, doubting if she could handle any of this anymore.

"I'm good ..." Replied Amanda, dryly.

"Okay." Said Liv, not wanting to get any further. while noticing Amanda's febrile state.

The car ride to the hospital was dead silent. Amanda was still reminiscing what just happened to her back in Sam's apartment, while Olivia couldn't help but notice Amanda's continuous febrile state, but decided not to say anything, wanting to give her some space.

...

**Thursday, November 21st. 11:30 am. The misery hospital.**

After Liv and Amanda arrived at the hospital, they headed to the information center of the hospital asking about Samantha Robins.

"Dr Clause will be with you in a moment, he's the doctor in charge of miss Robins" Explained a nurse to Olivia.

"Alright, thank you" Replied Olivia.

Ten minutes later, a tall handsome man, approximately forty years old, wearing a white coat, approached Olivia.

"Detective? i'm Dr Andre Clause" Said Clause, introducing himself to Olivia while shaking hands.

"it's Sergeant Benson" Replied Olivia, sharply.

"Sergeant! my apologies..." Rectified Clause, then added "You're the one who found miss Robins, right?".

"Yes! how is she?" Asked Olivia, anticipating Clause's answer.

Amanda is at the back, catching every word of the conversation.

"She's stable, but it was close. she took a strong dose of a very dangerous antidepressant. You know sergeant ... i was informed by the paramedics that you performed CPR on her before they came! she owes you her life!" Explained Dr Clause.

"Oh no Doctor , it wasn't me...It was detective Rollins who performed CPR on her " Corrected Olivia, while pointing at Amanda.

"Detective Rollins, nice work!" Said Dr Clause, while shaking Amanda's hand.

Amanda shook his hand back silently, faking a smile.

"Can we see her now?" Asked Olivia.

"Not now, she's till unconscious. when she's wake up, i will personally give you a call, sergeant" Said Dr Clause, smiling.

"Thank you Doctor" Replied Olivia, smiling back.

Once the doctor left, Olivia talking to Amanda said, relieved "She's gonna be fine, we found her in time thank god!".

Amanda didn't reply but seemed relieved as well.

"There's nothing we can do for now, she's still unconscious, once she wakes up , Dr Clause will call me" Explained Olivia.

Olivia and Amanda left the hospital, and while heading back to the car, Liv grabbed a card from her back pocket and handed it to Amanda.

"What's this?" Asked Amanda, surprised.

"I've talked to my therapist about you ... and i thought maybe you should go to see him sometime this week..." Said Olivia.

"What? what did you tell him? i don't wanna go to see a shrink !" Yelled out Amanda, angrily.

"Calm down Amanda, i didn't tell him anything, it's not up to me to tell him. I'm just concerned about you and i want you to feel better" Explained Olivia, gently.

"Are you really concerned about me or about the job?" Shouted Amanda.

"Amanda, you are my friend and I care about you. Apparently i don't think you're aware of that!" Replied Olivia.

Amanda wasn't expecting to hear her superior calling her "my friend" and claiming that she actually cares.

"I...i just don't know what to think anymore...i'm sorry Liv... i know you mean well but ..." Said Amanda looking away in despair, without finishing her sentence.

"Look, Dr Lindstrom is one of the best therapist in the city, he helped me a lot when i was going through rough patches... he still does. Just keep his card in your pocket, give him a call at least !" Suggested Olivia.

Amanda still holding the card between her hands, put it in her pocket.

"...Okay..." Said Amanda, hopelessly.

"Amanda... i trust you. I know you can make it through, and i want to help you. But i need you to trust me." Said Olivia while looking at Amanda straight in her eyes.

"...It's not that easy ..." Muttered Amanda, feeling guilty, then added "... but i'm trying to. I need time." Replied Amanda.

"I understand." Said Olivia, supportive.


	6. Chapter 6

_Hello everyone, i'm sorry i haven't been able to upload a new chapter in a while, i've been having internet issues, i hope it'll get fixed fast, but anyway, here's a brand new chapter :) enjoy_

* * *

**Thursday, November 21st. 10:00 pm. Amanda Rollins' apartment.**

Amanda Rollins just arrived home after a long day full of events, and all she wanted to do was laying this day to rest, but her mind didn't let her do so.

After taking a shower &amp; changing her clothes, she headed to the couch and sat there quietly. Her mind was loud enough, she didn't need to turn the TV on. After reminiscing all the events that happened to her that day, one event particularly absorbed her mind. It was that business card that Liv handed to her.

Amanda headed to her bedroom to get the business card out of her jacket, then she returned back nonchalantly to the living room and tossed the business card over the table while wallowing on the couch. She crossed her feet over the table and kept gazing at the business card without making any move.

"Why didn't i throw this card away yet ?" Amanda thought to herself.

Ten minutes later, Amanda picked up the business card from the table to look at it closely, then grabbed her phone hesitantly.

"Why should i call that shrink? Do i want to? Do i need to?" She silently thought.

After taking a long deep breath, Amanda started dialing Dr Lindstrom's number on her cell.

"Hello?" Said Dr Lindstrom on the phone.

Amanda couldn't seem to let any word slip out of her mouth.

"Who's this? Hello?" Repeated Dr Lindstrom impatiently.

Feeling the panick gaining her really fast, she took the phone off of her ear and gazed at it without turning the communication off.

Dr Lindstrom hung up the phone after spending fifteen seconds trying to know who was on the other side of the phone .

Amanda feeling uncomfortable, threw the phone beside her on the couch then she put her hands on her face.

"What the hell was that... Damn... what are you doing ?" She whispered to herself, while releasing a heavy sigh.

Amanda hopelessly stood up, heading to her bedroom, then she tucked herself in the bed, desperately forcing herself to fall asleep.

...

**Friday, November 22nd. 8:00 am. The special victims unit squad room.**

Olivia Benson just arrived at her office, followed by the rest of the detectives for a debrief.

"Good morning everyone" Said Liv, without giving them time to reply, she added " So guys, anything new concerning Samantha Robins' case?".

"We went to interrogate Ethan james yesterday on campus, but he wasn't there, he missed all of his classes." Explained Fin.

"Did you ask around? teachers? friends?" Asked Liv impatiently.

"His lab partner told us that he left to his hometown back in seattle, he lost his grandmother yesterday and he is gonna miss the next three days to assist her funeral" Finished Fin.

"Verify this story, get in touch with him, we need to talk to him asap!" Ordered Liv.

"We're on it Sergeant" Replied Nick.

Nick and Fin left the office, leaving Amanda and Olivia facing each other.

"Dr Clause called me yesterday night to inform me that Sam regained consciousness, but before we'll go to visit her, i need to ask you something. "Explained Olivia.

"Okay, what is it?" Replied Amanda, dubious.

"How are you feeling? ... No lies Amanda, i want complete and full honesty." Said Olivia with an assertive tone.

Amanda took a minute to respond.

"I can handle it, Liv" Replied Amanda, determined.

"I hope so" Replied Olivia, then added "Let's go".

...

**Friday, November 22nd. 10:00 am. The mercy hospital.**

After Olivia and Amanda arrived at the hospital, they headed to the information center and asked about Samantha Robins.

A nurse explained to them that Samantha was conscious but still weak from her suicide attempt, and she made it clear that they can only talk to her for a short time because Samantha's critical condition required a lot of rest.

Olivia knocked on Samantha's door while walking in, followed by Amanda.

"Samantha, Good morning." Said Olivia, softly.

Samantha was looking away when she heard Liv's voice, then she tilted her head to look at her without saying anything.

"How are you feeling honey?" Asked Amanda, gently.

"...I've been better..." Replied Samantha, slowly.

Olivia looked at Samantha with compassion then said "We're here to ask you few questions... do you think you can help us?".

"...I'll try..." Muttered Samantha.

"Can you tell me what happened to you? why did you try to kill yourself?" Asked Olivia, while getting her notepad out of her jacket.

"I... was lost..." Said Samantha, tears coming down her face, then added " ... I called my parents yesterday morning... I needed to hear my mom's voice... I... I didn't plan to tell her about what had happened to me but i just couldn't keep it for myself".

"Then what happened?" Asked Olivia.

"While i was talking to her on the phone, she knew that something was off, my voice was all shaky... it was hard to control it... and she asked me what was wrong... so i told her that... that..." Said Samantha sobbing, without finishing her sentence.

"It's okay Sam, take your time" Reassured Amanda.

"I told her that i was raped... and instead of supporting me... she blamed me. ...My... my father was near her and he overheard our conversation... he took the phone... and... and... he said that i destroyed the honor of the family and that i brought shame to him... then he said he never wanted to see me again... and that... that i was dead to him..." Said Samantha, weeping uncontrollably.

"Samantha, look at me... you know it's not true! none of this is your fault! that monster who hurt you is the only one to blame" Said Amanda while holding Samantha's hand.

Samantha was inconsolable, she was in too much pain and couldn't stop blaming herself. Not only the assault made her feel dirty and undignified but now her family is rejecting her too.

"I... spent the entire day thinking about my dad telling me that i was dead to him... and it made me feel horrible... i despised myself so bad... i couldn't go on living this way... so i took the pills... i wanted this nightmare to be over..." Yelled Samantha, weeping.

Olivia and Amanda looked at each other silently, heartbroken.

"Samantha, you are not alone... we are here to help you, and there's also your friend Becky who's here for you! we won't let you down, i promise." Asserted Olivia, while holding Samantha's hand compassionately.

Samantha nodded silently, still crying.

The nurse came in the room to let Benson and Rollins know that Sam needed to rest and that they had to leave.

"Samantha, you need to get some rest, we'll come back tomorrow to check on you, okay?" Said Olivia, smiling.

Samantha nodded silently, forcing a smile.

Olivia and Amanda left the room silently, heading to the parking lot. Once inside the car, Amanda blurted out "How's that normal?".

"What are you talking about?" Asked Olivia, surprised.

"Sam's family! how can they be so cruel thinking that a family's honor is held by their daughter's virginity!" Shouted Amanda in disbelief.

"I know... it's inimaginable." Replied Olivia, saddened.

"This is a nightmare for her... I wouldn't even want to live after this too... " Said Amanda outraged.

Olivia kept a straight face and didn't say anything.

...

**Friday, November 22nd. 12:00 pm. The special victims unit squad room.**

Fin headed to Liv's office to update her on Ethan James.

"Hey Liv, we checked Ethan's story, it's clear, we contacted him directly, he'll be here first thing on Monday" Explained Fin.

"... Alright, it'll give us some time to ask Sam about him." Replied Olivia.

After Fin left Olivia's office, Amanda walked in while closing the door behind her.

"Rollins, what's up?" Asked Olivia, intrigued.

Amanda took a minute before saying anything, just like she was searching for the right words.

"I need the rest of the day off." Said Amanda, apprehending Olivia's reaction.

Olivia gazed at her with surprise, then said "Is there something you wanna talk to me about?".

"...Hum... no, i just need my afternoon off..." Replied Amanda feeling uncomfortable.

"Alright then. See you tomorrow." Replied back Olivia, not wanting to push Amanda any further.

"Thanks." Said Amanda in relief.

Amanda left the building heading to her car, then after climbing in, she stayed there for a minute, gazing away, over thinking.

Releasing a heavy sigh, Amanda whispered to herself "Is this the right move?".

After turning the engine on, Amanda started driving. It took her forty five minutes to attend her destination.

Once she arrived, she turned off the engine of the car and sat there, her hands getting sweaty.

Amanda took her courage between her sweaty hands and got out of the car, then she got inside a building and headed to the elevator. It was the first time she ever went into that building.

After the elevator arrived to the 3rd floor, she stepped out of it then headed to a door.

Amanda knocked hesitantly twice on the door, and after ten seconds, a man in a suit opened the door.

"Hi... I'm Amanda Rollins." Said Amanda, hesitantly.

"Detective Rollins... I was expecting you." Replied back Dr Lindstrom, smiling.


	7. Chapter 7

**Friday, November 22nd. 2:00 pm. Dr Lindstrom's office.**

Amanda Rollins sitting in a chair and highly anxious, was facing Dr Lindstrom. She had sweaty palms and couldn't stop wondering if she was doing the right thing by being there.

After spending five long minutes visually analysing Amanda's behavior, Dr Lindstrom finally said "Amanda, how are you feeling right now?".

"...Hum... i don't know... i'm okay i guess." Replied Amanda, dryly.

"You guess?" Stroke back Dr Lindstrom.

"...I'm Okay." She Replied, feeling extremely uncomfortable.

"Fine. Can you tell me why are you here?" Asked Dr Lindstrom, calmly.

"... To be honest... i don't have a clue." Replied Amanda.

Dr Lindstrom kept writing down notes.

"Do you think you need my help?" Asked Dr Lindstrom.

Amanda kept gazing at Dr Lindstrom, not knowing what to answer, then she stood up, and walked to the window.

While gazing outside the window, she blurted out in despair "I'm sorry...".

"Amanda, why are you apologizing?" Replied Dr Lindstrom, while observing every move that she was making.

Amanda took some time before answering.

"... Because i lied..." She hardly Confessed.

"Regarding?" Asked Dr Lindstrom, surprised by her words.

"I lied about being okay. ...I'm not okay... i feel numb... i don't recognize myself anymore." Said Amanda, hopelessly.

"I see." Replied Dr Lindstrom while taking notes, then added, changing the subject "Tell me about your job, do you like it?".

"... Sometimes..." She Said, then added while looking down "I like it when we catch the bad guys... and get justice for the victims but i hate it when all these defenseless people get abused and sometimes we can't help them...".

"You can't help everybody, Amanda." Replied Dr Lindstrom.

Amanda didn't say anything, then went back to her seat.

"How long have you been working at SVU?" The doctor asked her.

"I was working back in Atlanta as a detective at SVU for two years... then i got transferred to New york. It's been three years since i'm working here..." She replied, without getting into details.

"Alright." Said Dr Lindstrom, then added "You said earlier that you've been feeling numb, how long have you been feeling this way?".

"...For about a year and a half..." She replied.

"Do you think you know what made you feel that way?" The therapist asked her.

"...Something happened back then... in Atlanta... it's the reason why i was transferred... I...I thought i coped with it at first... I was handling it well when I got here... I even forgot about it for a while but then I started having these nightmares all of a sudden..." Explained Amanda, with a knot in her throat.

"Do you think the nature of the cases you handle in your job got something to do with these nightmares?" He asked her.

"...I don't know... maybe..." She replied, uncertain.

"That's alright. Let's talk about these nightmares you've been having, how often do they appear?" Asked Dr Lindstrom.

"Almost every night..." Replied Amanda, while avoiding any eye contact with Dr Lindstrom, fearing to reveal her insecurities.

"Have you talked to anybody about them? your family? maybe a close friend?" Asked Dr Lindstrom while taking notes.

"No." Replied Amanda, with a sharp tone.

"Why not?" Asked Dr Lindstrom.

"I don't really have a model family... my baby sister is a selfish nut case, i was never close to my mom... and my father passed away when i was 21... we had a great relationship, ... he was a great listener, he always helped me out with everything. You now what they say doctor, the good people always leave first..." Said Amanda, then desperately whispered, while putting her hands on her face "I wish if he were still alive...".

"I'm sorry..." Replied Dr Lindstrom.

Amanda nodded as a sign of thank you but remained quiet.

"What about friends?" Continued Dr Lindstrom.

"Friends?" Smirked Amanda, then added "I don't have any friends in here. I'm a bit of a loner, you know... i've always been different.".

"Different? how's that?" He asked.

"I was an unusual kid... i've always made efforts to fit in, but it never worked, i was like the awkward silent girl in the group... i often wondered if something was wrong with me. But later then... in high school and college i understood that i was simply different from all of the other people around me. It didn't bother me that much you know." Replied Amanda.

"What about now? as an adult." Asked Dr Lindstrom.

"Now? i guess i'm still the introvert girl i've always been..." She replied, while looking away.

"Alright, could you tell me more about these nightmares?" He asked her.

"It's always the same nightmare... i see him following me everywhere, whenever i turn he's there watching me...then suddenly he's inside me..." Said Amanda, sharply.

"Him?" Asked Dr Lindstrom, intrigued.

"...Mike Miller... a guy from the squad... he asked me out billion times but i've always refused. He was an arrogant pervert." She replied.

"What happened when you refused his propositions?" Asked Dr Lindstrom.

"He didn't let go... he threatened to get me fired if i didn't give him what he wanted. He made my life a miserable hell... But i kept my head up, i resisted to him... but it only made him angrier..." Explained Amanda with a shaky voice.

"Did you tell your superior?" He asked.

"He wouldn't have believed me. Miller was the sergeant in the squad... and the captain's best friend. So it was a lost cause in advance..." She replied, hopelessly.

"What happened after this?" Asked Dr Lindstrom.

"One night... it was the end of my shift... i went to a bar to grab a drink... and he was there. I was gonna turn back and leave the place but i thought this would only make him think that i'm intimidated by him... so i stayed." Said Amanda, then added after a long pause " Through the evening, he got wasted... he approached me and started to get handy... so i payed off and left... he didn't like it... he followed me outside... i didn't see him coming from behind... he brutally grabbed me, and took my gun then he threw me in a dark alley... i...i threatened him... i told him i was gonna scream and he said that we were all alone... nobody would be there for me. I was totally paralyzed... i couldn't move... he said that he didn't need my permission to get what he wanted...he was gonna get it anyway" She replied.

Amanda was feeling assaulted all over again by telling Dr Lindstrom what happened to her that night, and she couldn't help but blame herself.

"Then he forced himself on me...while threatening me with my own gun..." She continued, while keeping a straight face.

Dr Lindstrom was dead silent, he stopped taking notes and kept focusing on Amanda's story, and specifically on the way she was telling it, completely empty of emotions. Even if she was a professional and she'd seen and handled hundreds of victims, it wasn't the same because she was the victim now.

"...When he was finished... he said that even if i complained to the captain the next day... he wouldn't believe my accusations... i remember his exact words *I'm powerful, and you can't reach me because you're a little nobody, and no one believes a nobody*" She replied, with a straight face.

"What did you do after this?" Dr Lindstrom asked, finally breaking his silence.

"I went home... i spent the entire night in the bath... i felt so dirty." She replied, dryly.

Amanda's pain was so immense that it turned her numb. Anyone who would hear her tell that story, would probably think that she was heartless and empty.

Amanda kept telling her story "Next day, i didn't want to go to work... i just couldn't... but i thought if i didn't go, Miller would probably make me pay it hard later... so i swallowed down the pain and left for work anyway... when i got there, the captain called me in his office. He was waiting for me... Miller was there too... the captain told me that he received a complaint against me... he made it all up of course, all he wanted was to get rid of me and cover for his best friend. I wasn't even listening to what the captain was telling me... just feeling Miller's presence in the room, made me go blank... i was unresponsive... and when i finally focused on what he was saying... he said that he wanted to fire me, but Miller convinced him to get me transferred only. ...Sometimes i still hear my captain's words *If it wasn't for sergeant Miller, you would be fired! He fought for you!*".

"yeah...Sergeant Mike Miller is my hero" Smirked Amanda.

After a long pause, she blurted out "This is it, that's the main reason i'm in New york!".

"So all these nightmares made you relive the assault all over again?" Asked Dr Lindstrom while taking notes.

"Yes. I tried everything to make them disappear... but nothing worked. And it's affecting my job lately." She replied.

"Look Amanda, what happened to you isn't your fault! ... you have to believe it, and it seems that you haven't forgiven yourself." Said Dr Lindstrom, trying to Reassure her.

"How could i? That bastard stole something from me... something that i can't get back...and i let it happen!" Replied Amanda.

"You didn't let that happen, Amanda. You need closure, in order to find yourself again, and most importantly, to learn how to trust yourself again. But this takes time, it isn't an easy process, you need a continuous follow up, and i can help you every step of the way, but you're gonna have to trust me." Elaborated Dr Lindstrom.

Amanda looking at Dr Lindstrom, muttered "I can't promise you anything... but i'll try.".

"That's a good start. I think we should end this session for today... How about we meet up next week? same time?" suggested Dr Lindstrom.

"...Alright." She Replied.

...

**Friday, November 22nd. 5:00 pm.**

Amanda Rollins left Dr Lindstrom's office, after spending all of the afternoon telling him all the sordid details of her story. She was a bit confused and couldn't stop thinking about his questions and reflexions.

Once she got inside her car, she decided to go for a ride near long beach, to get some fresh air. After arriving at her destination, she parked her car and went for a walk.

"This is it. I've never told anyone about this, up until today. Was it suppose to make me feel different?" Amanda thought silently, while walking down the coast.

...

**Friday, November 22nd. 9:00 pm. Amanda Rollin's apartment.**

Amanda arrived home, after opening up the door, she dropped the keys over the table and headed to the couch without turning the lights on, then sat quietly on her couch.

After gazing in the dark for about five minutes, Amanda burst out crying. Tears were uncontrollably rushing down her face, all of the emotions that she bottled up after all these years, suddenly reached out to the surface. She was feeling something other than numbness, even though her heart was still ravaging with a constant pain, she felt a new emotion. An emotion that she wasn't able to feel ever since that event.

Amanda Rollins felt relieved.


	8. Chapter 8

_Hey guys, here is chapter 8, you'll be seeing Some Liv/Amanda moments, and a lot of individual scenes too. Bunch of stuff are about to happen in this and further chapters concerning Amanda and her friendship with Liv, but also concerning the case the squad is handling, so stay tuned! feedback is always welcomed and much appreciated. Thanks! and enjoy_

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**Sunday, November 24th. 9:00 am. Olivia Benson's apartment.**

Olivia still in her bed, just woke up from a restless night. She spent the night rolling over in her bed, dying to get some sleep, in vain. Her mind was too preoccupied with multitude of things, mostly work related. The case she was handling was tougher than usual, mainly because of lack of evidence and also the extreme fragility of the victim. But besides the case, Olivia was extremely concerned for Amanda too. She kept thinking about when Amanda asked for the rest of the day off on Friday. Olivia wanted to know why and ask her about it in a friendly way but in the meantime, she apprehended the fact that Amanda would've interpreted it badly, cause she felt that she didn't earn her trust yet. So Liv definitely didn't want to play the bossy sergeant with Amanda, and the only thing she wanted was to build a solid friendship with her based on trust and honesty.

Olivia finally leaving her bed, headed to the bathroom to freshen up. After changing her clothes, she went to the kitchen and prepared herself a cup of coffee. While she was drinking her hot coffee, she had the idea of calling Amanda to check on her.

Olivia taking her phone, started dialing Amanda's number then pressed call. After it rang for approximately ten seconds, Amanda finally picked up.

"Good morning Amanda, it's Liv!" Said Olivia smiling.

"Liv! hey, is everything okay?" Asked Amanda, intrigued.

"Oh yeah sure, don't worry! just wanted to ask about you, how are you doing?" Reassured Liv.

"Oh, that's sweet of you Liv, i'm okay... you know i thought about going for a jog just to get my mind off things..." Replied Amanda hesitant.

"That's nice... hum... i wanted to ask you..." Liv said.

"Sure, what is it?" Amanda replied.

"Would you like to grab lunch later? or a coffee around central park... to get some fresh air?" Asked Olivia, while anticipating Amanda's answer.

Amanda totally surprised by Liv's propositions, said "Hum... Yeah sure! that'd be great!".

"Great! how about we meet up around one pm in the west entrance of the park?" Suggested Olivia excited.

"Sounds perfect!" Replied Amanda with what it sounded like a smiley tone in her voice.

"Good! see you later then!" Said Olivia.

"Bye!" Replied Amanda.

After Amanda hung up the phone, she was a little bit confused from this conversation. She genuinely appreciated Olivia's concern for her, and yet she couldn't help herself but feel skeptical about this situation. She still couldn't accept the fact that someone else wanted to get close to her and be her friend. It was too much a of a commitment for Amanda because she wasn't used to this, she never had a solid friendship with anyone. Amanda was pretty good at shutting everyone off, and never made any effort at making friends. But right now, she wanted to try at least, she knew deep down that Olivia was a person of trust in general. And even with her trust issues, Amanda wanted to give Liv a shot because she witnessed how much she truly cared for her.

**...**

**Sunday, November 24th. 10:00 am. Amanda Rollins' apartment.**

It was a cold sunday morning, the sky was smothered with grey clouds and the atmosphere was heavily foggy.

Even if the weather wasn't really optimal, Amanda Rollins started getting ready to go for a jog, she really needed to externalize all of her negative vibes and try getting her focus back, because her mind was mostly absorbed by what happened in Dr Lindstrom's office. The way she opened up to him, the way she expressed things she couldn't even tell herself before. It was a new overwhelming experience for her. Once she got out of her building, Amanda felt a violent cold air penetrating her lungs rapidly. Feeling her legs shaking and her breathing accentuating, she started jogging to warm up.

It had been thirty minutes since Amanda started jogging at a stable rhythm, while releasing short breaths of fog. The weather was still icy cold, her hands were frozen and her vision started to get blurry while the air was severely burning up her lungs.

Amanda's heart beats accelerated, she started feeling dizzy, but that didn't stop her from running. She kept running faster and faster, each step that she was taking made her feel worse and close to pass out, yet she continued jogging, like she wanted to hurt herself on purpose.

She was about twenty blocks away from her apartment. While running, her mind went blank. She wasn't able to think of anything else. The pain slowly consuming her body was getting more intense, but it somehow helped her to clear her mind.

Amanda was about to cross the street, when suddenly she slowed down the rhythm and stopped immediately in the middle of the road. Fear was ravaging her eyes, Amanda wasn't sure what she was looking at, she kept rubbing her eyes in disbelief. Amanda saw Mike Miller on the other side of the street gazing at her and smiling. She felt like the time had slowed down, everything was in slow motion. Her breathing got heavier, her hands were uncontrollably shaking when out of the blue, a loud noise of a car violently braking, brought her back to reality. A cab was standing five inches away from her feet, the driver was crazy furious and kept blurting out obscenities towards Amanda who was completely dumbstruck.

A woman, witnessing the whole scene from the other side of the street, approached Amanda to pull her away from the middle of the road and brought her to the side walk.

"Ma'am! Are you okay? Oh my god! he could've hit you! It was really close!" Blurted out the woman while pulling Amanda by her shoulders.

Amanda looking at the woman, was numb. Her vision was obstructed.

Feeling someone hardly shaking her by the shoulders, Amanda gained her focus back progressively. Then all of a sudden, she turned away fastly, making the woman releasing her from her grip , and kept staring at the other side of the street, searching for the man she thought seeing a minute ago. But nobody was there.

"Ma'am! Are you okay?" Repeated the woman, concerned for Amanda.

"He... he was there... i saw... i... i saw him..." Stuttered Amanda in disbelief.

"Maybe i should call 911..." Said the woman worried.

"NO!" Suddenly yelled Amanda while looking at the woman, then added in a calmer tone "I'm sorry... I'm okay... thank you... i'm fine...".

"Are you sure?" Insisted the Woman.

"Yes, i'm sure..." Replied Amanda faking a smile.

"Alright! be careful next time, will you!" advised the woman.

"I will, thanks." Replied Amanda , still looking at the other side of the street.

Amanda didn't know if she really saw the man who raped her three years ago staring and smiling at her, or her mind was playing wild tricks on her.

In a deep moment of confusion, She put her hands over her head and let herself fall on the side walk.

"Was it him? i saw him... i'm not crazy... he found me... It can't be possible! ... God... What is happening to me..." Whispered Amanda to herself, while putting her head down in despair.

Amanda still shaking from the cold and mostly from what she just went through, decided to head back home in a cab, thinking it was safer that way.

...

**Sunday, November 24th. 11:00 am. Amanda Rollins' apartment.**

Amanda arrived home and headed directly to the bathroom to take a hot shower. While getting undressed, her body was shivering, she couldn't even feel her hands and her feet from the cold. She hopped fastly in the shower and let the hot water heavily pour on her quivering body. Finally feeling the warmth spreading all over her body, Amanda started sobbing uncontrollably. The tears she was shedding were so burning hot and mixed with the flowing hot water, that she couldn't even make the difference between the two of them.

Fifteen minutes later, Amanda calmer, got out of the shower and slowly walked to her bedroom to dry herself off and change. After that, she headed to the living room to lie on the couch, then the thought of calling Olivia to cancel on her crossed her mind for a minute because she didn't feel good, but decided not to call her. She thought that spending the afternoon with Liv would do her no harm.

...

**Sunday, November 24th. 1pm. Central park.**

Amanda heading to to the west entrance of the park, saw Olivia standing at a hotdog truck buying lunch.

"Hey Liv!" Said Amanda smiling.

"Hey!" Replied Olivia smiling, then added "I'm getting us hotdogs!".

"Just a coffee for me, i'm not hungry..." Said Amanda.

"You sure? fine! Coffee is it then..." Replied Olivia, while paying for the coffees.

Olivia Looking at Amanda, was concerned. She sensed that Amanda wasn't okay. She handed her a cup of coffee, and they started walking in the park.

"It's freezing today!" Remarked Olivia.

"Yeah, not a suitable weather for a run though" Replied Amanda forcing a smirk.

"Oh yeah, how was your jogging session by the way?" Asked Liv, trying to make a conversation.

"... Not as i expected it, the weather was handicapping... i didn't run for long then rushed home to warm up!" Amanda told Liv, without mentioning the part where she was close to get hit by a cab.

"I bet!" Replied Olivia smiling.

As Liv and Amanda were walking while sipping their coffee, the conversation went mute. Suddenly, Amanda turned pale and stopped walking, letting the cup slip away from her hands and splash on the floor.

Olivia surprised by weird noise, turned her head towards Amanda and found her completely hypnotized.

Liv fastly approaching Amanda said "Amanda? are you okay?".

Amanda still looking ahead, didn't respond back.

Olivia came facing Amanda and put a hand on her shoulder.

"Amanda, you look pale! what is it? what did you see?" Asked Olivia, genuinely intrigued.

Amanda blinking fast, turned her head down and saw her coffee spilled all over the floor, then she looked at Olivia and muttered "I saw him...".

Olivia not understanding what Amanda was talking about, wondered "Him? who is it, Amanda?".

Amanda totally frightened, kept quiet in disbelief.


	9. Chapter 9

_Hey guys, here's chapter nine! Thanks for the reviews, it's always a pleasure to read them and see that you actually enjoy reading my story, it means a lot to me really :) More drama is coming , stay tuned ! And don't forget to leave your reviews and critics, they're always welcomed. _

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**Sunday, November 24th. 1:45pm. Central park.**

Amanda Rollins still in shock, thought she was hallucinating. She couldn't tell if she really saw Mike Miller standing twenty-five yard away from her or it was just the fruit of her corrupted imagination.

Olivia trying to understand who did Amanda see, kept asking her over and over , intrigued "Amanda, who did you see? There's nobody ahead!".

"It was him..." Stuttered Amanda, extremely confused.

"WHO IS HE, AMANDA?!" Shouted Liv to get Amanda's attention while holding her by her shoulders, but she was unresponsive.

Suddenly Olivia understood who Amanda was talking about, she remembered their conversation one night at the bar.

Olivia held Amanda by her arm leading her to a bench.

"Let's get a seat... over here" Said Liv calmly.

Olivia didn't know what happened with that guy in Atlanta, but from Amanda's behavior, she could easily guess, but Liv needed to hear it from her. After they both sat down, Olivia focused her attention towards Amanda.

"He's the guy from Atlanta, isn't he?" Asked Olivia in a calmer tone.

Amanda nodded in despair at Olivia without saying anything.

After a long pause, Amanda finally broke her silence "I saw him this morning too... but i'm not sure".

Olivia worried for her friend, said "You think he's following you?".

"I don't know... I think it's my mind playing tricks on me..." Replied Amanda lost.

"Tell me his name, i'll make few calls to track him down !" Demanded Liv, showing her support to Amanda.

"Liv... it's not necessary... i haven't been sleeping well, it's gotta be this causing me to have these hallucinations... that's it... don't worry..." Replied Amanda trying to convince Olivia, in vain.

"Still! just to be sure! Amanda, i hate seeing you like this, let me help you!" Asked Olivia while putting her hand over Amanda's.

"You already did Liv... i... i followed your advice and went to see the therapist...last friday... that's why i took my afternoon off..." Confessed Amanda.

"Oh i see! and did it help you?" Wondered Olivia while feeling relieved that her friend is making efforts to get better.

"Somehow... i never thought i could do it..." Replied Amanda looking away.

"But you did... Are you gonna continue the therapy?" Asked Olivia, concerned.

"...I guess so... yeah..." Replied Amanda determined, then added after a long pause " You know... during the session... all i was thinking about was... to leave that place and never go back... i thought me being there was a waste of time... but at the end... That therapist triggered something in me... something that i had lost for quite a while now...".

"It's ironic you said that... cause that's exactly what happened with me during my sessions..." Confessed Olivia, then added compassionately "I'm glad you decided to keep going...".

Amanda smiled but didn't say anything.

While a moment of silence settled between them, out of the blue Amanda said "... Mike Miller... his name is Mike Miller... Head sergeant of the two seven SVU precinct in Atlanta...".

Olivia surprised by Amanda's confession, said "First thing tomorrow, i'll make some calls...".

"Thank you Olivia... not just for this... but thank you for your support... it helps somehow..." Said Amanda smiling.

"That's what friends do..." Replied Olivia smiling back.

...

**Monday, November 25th. 8:30am. The special victims unit squad room.**

Olivia Benson arrived earlier than everyone else, she was determined to do whatever it took her to help Amanda get through the rough situation she was facing.

Amanda Rollins was late that day. After arriving, she headed quickly to her desk to get started on the paper work, meanwhile, Olivia left her office calling for Amanda.

"Amanda... my office." Said Liv to Amanda with a serious tone.

Amanda stood up from her desk feeling anxious, then headed to Liv's office while Nick and Fin were looking at her intrigued.

"...I'm sorry i'm late, it won't happen..." Apologized Amanda, but before she could finish Liv interrupted her.

"That's not why i called you in." Said Olivia while sounding worried.

Amanda noticed that Liv was tense, she understood that she was about to tell her something really serious.

"Okay... Liv, what is it?" Replied Amanda feeling the anxiety consuming her body.

Olivia took a minute before speaking "I made some calls... concerning Miller...".

Amanda suddenly turned pale and muttered "Let me guess... judging by your tone... he's not in Atlanta anymore, is he?".

"No... He resigned from his job and left Atlanta, after what my informant told me... but nobody knows where he is... i'm sorry." Explained Olivia with a knot in her throat.

"Oh... Did you find out why he resigned?" Replied Amanda trying to sound indifferent to the situation.

"My source in Atlanta informed me that IAB was on his ass constantly for the past two years, they received a letter accusing sergeant Miller of multiple rapes and assaults. But of course since there were no reliable evidence or victims willing to testify, IAB couldn't arrest him, but they investigated him, following every move he made, and reviewed all the cases he handled... i guess he understood that he wasn't gonna be protected anymore... and he knew that if he got caught, he'd not only lose his job and pension but also face jail time, so he played it clever and put his papers in..." Explained Oliva in despair.

"Son of bitch... he always played it smooth..." Smirked Amanda while shedding a tear, then added while wiping it away " ...Hum... About the letter? Did IAB find out who sent it?".

"It was anonymous." Replied Olivia dryly, then added "Amanda... Did Miller assault you?".

Amanda devastated from what she was hearing, took a minute before speaking.

"Yes." She replied sharply.

Olivia felt a sharp pain transpiercing her heart.

Amanda's confession triggered flashes of Lewis torturing Olivia.

At the same moment, Fin walked in the office interrupting their conversation.

"Sorry to interrupt... Ethan james just came in. He's in the interrogating room." Fin informed Liv and kept staring at Amanda, noticing that she looked upset.

Amanda stood up determined and stroke "Let me talk to him with Fin...".

Olivia hesitated for a second then said "Alright.".

Amanda and Fin headed to the interrogating room where Ethan James was waiting for them.

"Mr James... I'm detective Rollins." Amanda introduced herself.

"We're sorry for your loss." Apologized Fin.

"Thank you detectives..." Replied Ethan saddened, then added "What did you want to talk to me about?".

"About Samantha. Did you know she tried to kill herself last thursday?" Asked Fin.

"What? Oh my god! is she okay?" Replied Ethan frightened.

"She's fine, she got out of the hospital yesterday." Replied Fin.

"I can't believe it! i need to see her... but wait... why am i here? Are you still accusing me of raping her?" Wondered Ethan intrigued.

Fin looked at Amanda and smirked "He's cleaver, isn't he?".

"This is unbelievable! From the beginning i've been nothing but cooperative with you guys! You even checked my alibi! I told you that i would never hurt Sam! I like her! You can ask Becky, her best friend... she'll confirm this!" Shouted Ethan outraged.

"Becky? you know her?" Amanda asked him.

"Yeah... i met her last year... she was always with Sam... she came to me once and asked me out... but i wasn't interested... i had a crush on Sam. I even asked Becky if she could give me Sam's number, but she called me an asshole and left..." Explained Ethan.

"So Becky knew that you wanted to go out with Sam?" Asked Fin.

"Yeah she knew!" Replied Ethan angrily.

Amanda looked at Fin then said while smiling at Ethan "Mr James, thank you for your time, you're free to go.".

Olivia behind the interrogating room's window, followed all of the interrogation.

Once Amanda and Fin left the room, Liv and Nick joined them, then Liv said "Love triangle?".

"We gotta get Becky in here pronto... She's the one who accused Ethan in the first place... I think she's hiding something." Explained Fin.

"I think so too. " Said Nick.

"We have to talk to Sam aswell" Added Olivia.

"My guess is that Becky got mad cause Ethan liked her best friend but not her." Said Amanda.

"Then what? She got her raped? That's too big..." Refuted Nick.

"Everything's possible." Said Fin.

"Alright, let's put the guesses aside, and get the girls to talk by today." Ordered Olivia, then added "Fin, Nick go to the campus and Bring Becky Anderson here. Amanda and i we'll go talk to Sam.".

"Got it, sergeant." Replied Nick.

Once Nick and Fin left the squad, Olivia called Amanda in.

Amanda sensing what Liv was gonna talk to her about, headed to her office.

"Amanda... I'm sorry for what Miller made you go through. But i can promise you one thing, i've got your back... i'm gonna keep asking around until i track that bastard around." Olivia said reassuring Amanda.

"Liv... there's something i have to tell you..." Replied Amanda while looking down.

"What is it?" Replied Olivia worried.

"This morning... i was late..." Amanda started talking with a shaky voice but Liv interrupted her.

"It's alright Amanda, don't worry about it!" Reassured Olivia.

"No... you don't get it... the moment i was gonna leave my apartment... i received a phone call..." Continued Amanda shedding a tear.

Olivia kept quiet, knowing where Amanda was heading.

"It was Miller...he found me." Replied Amanda hopeless.


	10. Chapter 10

_Hello! i'm thrilled to present you the tenth chapter of this fic. So a lot is going on , and a lot is about to happen too! They are Amanda/Olivia scenes (not friendly though lol) and Finanda! i know i've neglected Finanda a lot but it's about to change don't worry, i'm just taking it one step at a time ! i hope you're enjoying reading this fic as much as i'm enjoying writing it, feedback is always appreciated of course!_

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**Monday, November 25th. 9:30am. The special victims unit squad room.**

Olivia and Amanda were facing each other silently. Amanda extremely calm, just confessed to Olivia that Miller called her that morning, which meant that he found her and he knew where she lived. Olivia took some time to process what Amanda just told her. It was the first time one of her detectives was facing a great danger and that she was in charge and had to make a decision to handle it properly. The kind of danger she faced many times herself.

Olivia was upset. Not only her friend was in danger, but images of William Lewis burning up her flesh with cigarettes and all what she went through with him kept screwing with her mind. She had to contain herself in front of Amanda. But Olivia knew what she had to do, even though Amanda was probably not gonna like it. Olivia didn't like it either when she had to go through it.

"What did he exactly tell you?" Olivia worried, demanded.

"... Hum... he said that he'd been missing me... And my... wild Body... and that he wanted to see me... i think he was just trying to intimidate me that's all..." Replied Amanda confused, trying to avoid Olivia's eye contact.

"That's all? You've got to be kidding me?" Replied Olivia with what it looked like anger in her voice but she was genuinely worried for Amanda.

Olivia took the phone and started dialing as she said "Amanda, you're in danger... he's targeting you... he knows where you live! I'm gonna put a protection detail on you... we can't take...". But before Olivia could finish her sentence, Amanda canceled Liv's phone call and blurted out angrily, standing up from her seat " What? You can't do that! I don't need to be protected!".

Olivia with the phone still on her ear behind her desk, froze, surprised by Amanda's sudden outburst.

Meanwhile, Nick coming back to his desk to recuperate his forgotten phone, heard screams coming from Liv's office.

"Detective Rollins. It is under my responsibility to protect my detectives... Mike Miller assaulted you three years ago... IAB was on his ass, and he resigned! do you certainly think he's gonna let go of one of his victims without making sure that she wouldn't talk?" Reasoned Olivia Calmly while putting the phone down, with clear anger in her voice.

"Oh... so that's what it's all about?" Sassed out Amanda while releasing a sarcastic snort and turning away. Then she added angrily "You! It's all about you! You're the boss in here and you're just worried about your ass! what am i ? just another victim to you, is that it?".

"Detective Rollins! tone it down! you're out of line!" Warned Olivia extremely upset.

The atmosphere was so electric between the two ladies in the office, that all the people in the squad were looking at the office, trying to figure out what was happening.

"I don't need your help! I can protect myself! I'm a big girl!" Contended Amanda.

"...Like you protected yourself three years ago?" Stroke back Olivia.

Amanda froze there devastated, with teary eyes. She could feel a sharp pain tearing her heart apart. A pain that "her friend" just caused her.

Once Olivia realized what she just said, she put both of her hands on her hips and lowered her head down trying to find appropriate words to apologize.

"I'm sorry... i didn't mean to..." Started Apologizing Olivia.

"Save it..." Amanda interrupted her while putting her hand up. Then she muttered, trying to contain her tears in vain "... I put my trust in you Liv, i talked to you as a friend... I opened up to you...i exposed my vulnerability to you expecting you to treat me as your friend... but instead... You're using what i confessed to you against me?! ...".

"I didn't mean to ... I'm sorry Amanda. But This is for the best. You are my friend but i'm also your boss and this is how i'm helping you. It's for your own good. You are under my responsibility, and if anything happens to you, it's on me! Not just on the job! But on every level ! i wouldn't be able to live with it and have a clear conscious... I wouldn't be able to look at my reflexion in the mirror knowing that i've failed at fulfilling my duties... and most importantly... failed at protecting my friends... " Replied back Olivia trying to keep her calm But showing clear signs of anger.

Amanda still upset and hurt by what Liv told her, kept quiet facing the interrogating room's window.

At the same time, Nick approaching Olivia's office, knocked twice before entering.

"Hey, is everything alright?" Asked Nick worried. He took a quick glance at Amanda and noticed how upset she was.

"Yes. We're done here detective Rollins. Nick wait up, come with me to interrogate Sam. Rollins you go with Fin and get Becky here." Ordered Olivia.

...

**Monday, November 25th. 10:00am. The special victims unit parking lot.**

Fin in the car, waiting for Nick to show up after getting his phone back from his desk, saw his partner Amanda instead, getting close to his car, then she opened the door and climbed in without saying a word. Fin didn't understand what was going on, he clearly noticed that Amanda was extremely upset.

"Hey Amanda, what's up? What happened to nick?" Asked Fin confused.

"Back with his partner." Amanda replied dryly.

"What is it? You wanna talk about it?" Asked Fin worried for his partner.

"Just drive..." Replied Amanda sharply.

Fin not wanting to upset his partner even more, didn't ask further questions and started to drive.

The atmosphere in the car during the trip to the NYU campus was icy cold and silent. Once they arrived, Fin and Amanda headed directly to the administration. Greeted by The director's assistant, the two detectives followed her to Mrs Anderson's office.

"Detectives! i'm sorry i didn't catch your names..." Said Mrs Anderson inconvenienced.

"I'm detective Tutuola and this is my partner detective Rollins" Replied Fin sharply.

"Oh yes i remember you, but i recall you came with another male detective... anyway, what can i do for you this time?" Asked Mrs Anderson hesitant.

"We're looking for your daughter Becky, we need her to come down to the station, we have few questions to ask her." Explained Fin.

"My daughter? Regarding what? Is this about Samantha?" Replied Mr Anderson confused.

"We just need to clear out some things with her. Simple routine questions Ma'am." Clarified Amanda, finally breaking her heavy silence.

"Hum... fine... but she's in class right now... it's midterms week... once she finishes her today's exam... i'm gonna get in touch with her and she'll come to your precinct right after." Replied Mrs Anderson bothered.

"Don't make us wait Ma'am." Amanda said in a threatening voice.

Fin shot a look at Amanda as they were leaving Mrs Anderson's office heading to the car.

As they both climbed in, Fin couldn't take anymore of her silence and said calmly "Look Amanda, talk to me I'm your partner! you know i've got your back, right!".

With teary eyes, Amanda kept looking ahead not wanting to pay attention to what he was saying, but she couldn't contain herself anymore.

"I was raped three years ago by my ex sergeant, it's the reason why i got transferred here and he's stalking me. And according to your boss, i'm in great danger and she wants to babysit me." Blurted out Amanda shedding a tear. Then added while wiping that tear away "Happy? now you know everything.".

Fin couldn't believe what he just heard. All this time he spent with his partner and she never mentioned this once. He never tried to dig deeper either. But still, he was upset that she didn't trust him enough to tell him about it.

"I'm sorry about that Amanda... But why didn't you tell me about it? i'm your partner come on!" Replied Fin slightly upset.

"So what? It's not because we've been partners for three years that you should know my bra size! i don't know everything about you either..." Stroke back Amanda.

Fin chuckled in disbelief while looking away.

"Why does Liv think he's gonna get to you?" Asked Fin.

"... My ex sergeant... Miller... he resigned... IAB was on his ass... because of... a letter they anonymously got two years ago... accusing him of multiple rapes and assaults. Now he's in town, and he called me this morning." Hardly explained Amanda to her partner.

Fin was intrigued by this whole story, but his attention was fixated on the anonymous letter Amanda just mentioned "Did IAB track down the person who sent that letter?".

"No." Replied Amanda sharply, hesitation fastly gaining her.

"Okay... So let me guess... Now Liv wants to put a protection detail on you, right?" Guessed Fin.

"Touché!" Smirked Amanda.

Fin felt sorry for his partner, he was genuinely concerned for her but still a little upset that she never mentioned Miller. But he wanted to help her and show her that he was there for her no matter what.

"I'm gonna talk to Liv. I'll tell her that you don't need a protection detail... Nick and i got your back Amanda... you just need to trust me. Okay?" Explained Fin.

"Oh so you volunteer to babysit me now?" Smirked Amanda slightly pissed at him.

"Better be me than a bunch of dickheads! or what do you say girl? it's your call!" Replied Fin smiling.

"Oh Shut up and drive..." Chuckled Back Amanda.


	11. Chapter 11

_Hey guys, thank you for the reviews ! it's always amazing to see that u guys appreciate my story :D So here i present you chapter 11. This one is pretty centered on Samantha Robins' case the squad is handling. Loads of drama is heading on next chapters concerning Amanda and other stuff (trying to keep the suspense here xD lol) So stay tuned! oh and don't forget to review of course!_

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**Monday, November 25th. 10:00am. The special victims unit squad room.**

Olivia Benson still in her office, was upset from the confrontation she just had with Amanda. It was an obligation for her to inform the rest of the squad of the situation and to handle Samantha Robins' case. She felt like the weight of the world was all over her shoulders, and everybody was counting on her to make the right calls. But being in charge of a whole unit, wasn't an easy task and Olivia was fully aware of it.

Nick noticed that something was off with his partner, and he deduced it was related to Rollins. He was about to leave the squad heading to the parking lot when Liv called him in.

"Close the door behind you." Ordered Olivia.

"What is it, Liv?" Wondered Nick.

Olivia took a minute before speaking, searching for the right words "We have a situation. Amanda is an danger.".

"What?!" Replied Nick surprised, then added extremely worried "Who is it? Someone she owes money to?".

"Not even close..." Replied Olivia while rubbing her forehead in despair, then added "Her past is haunting her back... Three years ago, Amanda was assaulted by her Ex sergeant... His name is Mike Miller, She didn't report the assault. He has strong connexions so he was basically untouchable. He was the one who got her transferred in here."

Nick was speechless, he knew that Amanda had a past like everyone else, a past that she carefully made sure to keep it to herself only, but he would've never imagined it this way. After a minute, he finally spoke showing his extreme confusion " ... But she didn't report it! What, he suddenly got scared she would talk after three years? it doesn't make any sense!".

"Two years ago, IAB received an anonymous letter accusing Miller of multiple rapes and assaults, and since they didn't have any proof of any of this, no victims, no complaint, so they couldn't charge him, but they kept an eye on him. That son of a bitch knew he was being watched closely, so he resigned from his job, and now we believe he's in New york. And before you entered my office, she was informing me that he called her this morning and told her that he missed her... He also knows where she lives. She went nuts when i told her i was gonna put a protective detail on her..." Explained Olivia.

"That's a lot to process..." Nick replied in disbelief, then added "But a protective detail? is that even necessary, Liv? ... We can protect her! Fin and I! we'll drive her home everyday and make rounds to watch her building every night...".

Olivia didn't even let Nick finish his sentence, that she started nodding in disagreement with what he was suggesting "That is certainly not gonna happen... We're short staffed, Nick! We need more hands! Don't forget that we still have cases to handle!".

"We can pull this off Liv!" Blurted out Nick.

"Nick. We're not gonna argue about that. This is my final say." Asserted Olivia.

"I totally understand why Amanda reacted this way... I would've done the same." Said Nick showing anger in his voice.

Olivia shot a cold gaze at Nick but remained quiet.

"We have a case to handle. We still need to figure out who raped Samantha Robins." Replied Olivia ignoring Nick's last comment. Then added "Let's move.".

Nick sighed in confusion. A lot was going on in his life right now, with his ex wife Maria wanting to move to the west coast taking his daughter Zara away from him, and he also had to take care of his son Gil, and now he had an additional situation to worry about. His friend Amanda whom he deeply care about, was in danger, and he wanted to show her his support and tell her that he had her back.

...

**Monday, November 25th. 11:00am. Samantha Robins' apartment.**

Olivia and Nick arriving behind Samantha's apartment's door, knocked twice. Samantha showed up shortly after, she appeared to be pale and still weak from her suicide attempt.

"Sergeant Benson? what's going on?" Asked Samantha surprised.

"Good morning, Samantha... this is detective Nick Amaro, Can we come in? We have some questions to ask you." Replied Olivia calmly.

"Hum... sure..." Replied Sam hesitant, while stepping inside her apartment, followed by Benson and Amaro.

"Did you find who... hurt me?" Asked Samantha anxiously.

"We're still working on it Samantha... We'd like to ask you few questions about Ethan James." Replied Olivia.

"Ethan? Why? You think he did this?" Asked back Samantha surprised.

"We're not sure, we're still investigating, Samantha." Explained Olivia.

"Hum... He's a junior... he's a nice guy! He was always nice to me..." Replied Samantha in confusion.

"When we questioned him, he told us that he was interested in you and even asked you out, but you turned him down. Why is that?" Asked Nick while taking notes.

"... Actually... The truth is that i was interested in him too but i didn't want to go for it even though i liked him... because my best friend Becky... when we were freshman, he was a sophomore &amp; she saw him first. She couldn't stop talking about him for weeks... and when she finally had the guts to ask him out he wasn't interested. he turned her down... I remember she spent months crying over him after that... and of course i couldn't tell her that i liked him &amp; that he was interested in me and in her. I didn't wanna hurt Becky, i knew it would've broken her heart &amp; i just can't do that do her, she's the only friend i have..." Explained Samantha overwhelmed by the situation.

Olivia and Nick shot a gaze at each other briefly, then Liv took some notes.

"Samantha, how would you describe your friendship with Becky?" Asked Nick.

"My friendship? what do you mean? i told you we're best friends! she'd always been there for me, we're inseparable!" Replied Samantha intrigued by Nick's question.

"Does she have any issues at school? other than the Ethan issue?" Asked Olivia.

"...Hum... well... her grades were degrading lately... and she's been acting out too... i guess it's because of the pressure of the exams and stuff... " Replied Samantha hesitant.

"Samantha, do you mind coming with us down the station? It's just formality." Asked back Nick.

"Hum... Alright... let me grab my coat..." Replied Samantha in confusion.

"Of course." Replied Olivia.

Once Samantha left the living room, Olivia turned at Nick and said "everything's turning back to Becky.".

"What do you think? Her best friend is so jealous of her that she made her get assaulted? It's insane..." Replied Nick.

"I believe a confrontation between them will let the truth out..." Suggested Olivia.

...

**Monday, November 25th. 12:30pm. The special victims unit squad room.**

Olivia walking Samantha to her office, asked her to wait there while offering her something to drink.

Meanwhile Becky had just arrived to the precinct accompanied by her mother. Fin and Amanda greeted them, and walked them to the interrogating room.

Mrs Anderson said impatiently "So what is this about?".

Fin ignoring Mrs Anderson's question, looked at Becky and said "Ethan James... you never mentioned that you had the hots for him?!".

"...What? That's no true... i told you he was interested in Sam! He's the one who hurt her, you should arrest him!" Burst out Becky starting to feel anxious.

"We barely even started and you're already lying! waw! that's a record! Ethan has a solid alibi. He couldn't have done it." Replied Amanda sarcastically.

"What are you accusing my daughter of, detectives?" Stroke back Mrs Anderson.

"Becky, were you yes or no interested in Ethan?" Asked Amanda in a sharp tone.

"...I ... yes i was..." Replied Becky confused.

"It must've been harsh for you to know that he was more into your friend than into you!" Replied Amanda trying to sound comprehensive, then added while raising her voice "...Mhh let's see...She had the good grades, and a hot guy at her feet! It was all about Sam all the time! i would've gone crazy too Becky! i totally get it!".

"What are you insinuating detectives?" Mrs Anderson blurted out.

Amanda's last words were a total trigger to Becky, and she started losing control, yelling out "I loved him! but all he could see was his sweet girl Sammy! and that slut liked him back! She dared lying to me! and pretended that she didn't like him... Such a good girl! i hated that bitch!".

Mrs Anderson kept gazing at Becky in disbelief. It was like she was possessed by someone else, she couldn't recognize her anymore.

"Becky... Oh my god... what have you done?" Muttered Mrs Anderson upset.

"She has always poisoned my life mom! Always had better grades than me! people always liked her better than me! she was always the good girl, and i was only her shadow, nobody ever noticed me! Even you liked her better than me Mom! i got tired of it!" Screamed out Becky at her mother.

Mrs Anderson remained speechless.

"So what? you wanted to get rid of her?" questioned Fin angrily.

"I wanted her out of my life once and for all! But i never meant for her to get raped... i didn't want her to suffer ! i just wanted her away... so i paid a guy five hundred bucks to get rid of her... but instead that scumbag screwed me over!" Shouted out Becky with anger.

Amanda and Fin were in shock. Even after all these years handling horrible cases, they could never get used to hear such horrible things..

"The guy you paid off, where can we find him?" Asked Amanda.

"I contacted him on the net... after i made an appointment with him, i paid cash..." Said Becky revealing her insanity.

"For god's sake Becky! what happened to you?" Yelled out Mrs Anderson at her daughter.

"Write it down. His name, the address where you met him, everything you know about him." Ordered Fin, then added in a disgusted tone "Sam cared for you more than you ever did! She was a true friend to you &amp; instead you paid off a guy to hurt her? what kind of a friend are you? You ruined her life... Isn't it what you wanted?".

Fin and Amanda stood up and got out of the room, leaving Mrs Anderson sobbing in shock, with her daughter.

Mrs Anderson held her daughter and kept yelling at her "What have you done! You ruined you friend's life because of a boy? because you were jealous!".

"Mom, please... it's your fault! you never cared enough for me! it was all for her! all the time!" Yelled out Becky.

Samantha standing in front of the window in Liv's office heard all of the confession, and couldn't hold her tears. she was heavily sobbing &amp; couldn't believe that the girl she treated like the sister she never had could ever do this to her.

Meanwhile, Amanda getting out of the interrogating room, noticed a package on her desk. She got closer to see the expeditor's name. Suddenly Amanda's heart beats increased. She kept looking around her hoping nobody could hear her abnormally pounding heart. She slowly grabbed the package and opened it carefully, then suddenly dropped it over her desk, disgusted by the repugnant smell it released.

Fin saw her and approached her desk saying concerned "Amanda, what is that?".

Amanda turning pale, didn't reply, she was in total shock.

Fin stepped closer to her to read the expeditor's name written on the tag and got a look at what the box contained.

Mike Miller was written on the tag. And the box contained a dead rat swimming in a puddle of blood.


	12. Chapter 12

_I present you chapter 12, so in this one, things are slowly starting to turn bad, Olivia is on the spotlight. I'll say no more, discover it by yourselves. feedback is always welcomed :)_

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**Monday, November 25th. 1:30pm. The special victims unit squad room.**

The squad was under a high level of pressure. One of their detectives was in danger, and they still had to find Samantha Robins' rapist. Even with Becky Anderson's information about him, they still needed to find a way to track him down.

Olivia Benson was in her office accompanied by Samantha Robins, who was in total shock from what she'd heard. Her own best friend setting her up because of a jealousy history, and the worst part of it, is that she didn't even seem sorry, she didn't express any remorse.

"... I don't know who that person is... It can't be... How could she do this? " Mumbled Samantha in confusion, tears rushing down her face.

"I'm really sorry Samantha..." Apologized Olivia while putting her hand on Sam's shoulder. Shortly, Olivia tilted her head to focus outside of the window. Noticing agitation in the squad, Liv left her office in a hurry heading towards Amanda's desk "What's going on here?" Olivia asked. Fin turned around facing Olivia, and while showing her the box, he said "This is bad, Liv".

Meanwhile Samantha rushed out of Liv's office, running towards the interrogation room to confront Becky, but none of the detectives noticed her.

Becky was alone in the interrogating room. Mrs Anderson had left the squad, she was in too much shock, she needed some air.

Once inside the interrogating room, Samantha sobbing, gazed at her friend then muttered "Becky... How could you do this to me?! I heard everything you said... i don't understand... why?".

Becky didn't know that Samantha was there the whole time. The moment Becky saw her, she went nuts and stood up showing her intense anger "You bitch! you ruined everything! you should be dead!".

Suddenly Becky approached Samantha at a fast pace and jumped at her neck, wrapping her hands around Sam's neck and screaming.

Olivia absorbed by Amanda's situation and the package, heard loud screams coming out of the interrogation room, she turned fastly towards her office and saw that Sam wasn't there. Olivia ran to the interrogation room and when she opened the door, she saw Becky on top of Samantha, strangling her and screaming obscenities.

"Becky!" Yelled out Olivia, launching at Becky to get a hold of her, then shouted towards the other detectives "We need medical assistance in here!".

Samantha Robins was unconscious.

Fin rushed in the room and proceeded to subdue Becky, then he ordered an officer to put her in custody, while Olivia rushed near Samantha's side.

"Sam! can you hear me... sam! come on! "Shouted Olivia completely terrorized.

Samantha wasn't breathing.

Meanwhile Mrs Anderson walking back in the squad, saw her agitated and handcuffed daughter being taken away.

"What are you doing to my daughter!" Screamed out Mrs Anderson.

Nick rushing in the room, said "The ambulance is on its way... it'll be here in five".

Liv's heart beats were increasing fast, she was in the middle of an intense situation, she was close to lose control. Olivia felt guilty for what just happened to Samantha. She left her unattended in the office for few minutes, and here she was now, lying on the floor, unconscious. Olivia managed somehow to calm herself down, and started performing CPR on Samantha.

Fifteen minutes later, the paramedics had taken Samantha to the hospital. Olivia was still in the interrogation room with Nick.

"It's my fault..." Whispered Olivia blaming herself. Nick remained quiet and went back to his desk.

When Olivia left the interrogation room, all eyes were on her. She was under extreme pressure, she didn't know where to turn her head to. Too much was going on, and she felt like she was turning into a basket case.

"Everybody, get back to work!" Liv managed to Say, trying to get her self control back.

"You three, my office. Now." Olivia ordered the detectives.

Olivia got inside her office followed by Nick, Fin and Amanda.

"Liv it's not your fault..." Nick said, trying to reassure his partner, noticing that she was febrile.

Olivia shot a cold gaze at him, then looked at Amanda and said in a sharp tone "Where did this package come from?".

Nick didn't understand what Liv was talking about. He wasn't there when the package arrived.

Amanda took a minute before speaking then said in despair "Miller...".

Olivia turning pale, tilted her head down while releasing a heavy sigh, then said "A dead rat... he must think you snitched on him and sent that letter to IAB...".

"Miller? your ex sergeant? " Asked Nick showing his confusion.

Amanda suddenly blurted out "What? How do you ...", and before Amanda could finish her sentence, she suddenly stopped and gazed at Olivia.

"I had to inform him about the assault. And this dead rat is another reason why i'm gonna get you a protective detail whether you like it or not..." Liv tried explaining.

Amanda couldn't believe what she just heard. Her so called friend and boss, revealed to Nick one of the most painful, and atrocious situation she ever went though.

"... You... told him... about the assault?" Amanda stuttered with teary eyes while putting both of her hands on her face. Then suddenly yelled out showing her extreme rage "You had no right! This is my private life! How could you!". Then added while turning away "I was so stupid to trust you... You never wanted to be my friend! All you wanted was to dig deeper into my private life and play the super cops! And now you're trying to show everyone that you know how to make decisions...". Olivia interrupting Amanda, blurted out " Detective Rollins, you're no longer on active duty. You're suspended until further notice. I'll get in touch with the special agents who will assure your security. We're done here.".

Amanda blindfolded by rage, yelled out while leaving the office "Well you know what? I don't care anymore!". Then while opening the door, she stood there, drawing her attention back at Olivia and yelled out "Oh yeah... i forgot, you can take your protective detail and shove it up where the sun doesn't shine...".

Amanda left the office while smashing the door loudly behind her, then walked to her desk , grabbed her coat and purse, then left the building in a hurry.

Nick felt responsable for Amanda's outburst.

"It's all my fault, i'm gonna talk to her..." Nick said while leaving Liv's office.

Olivia didn't object Nick's suggestion. She felt like she had betrayed her friend's trust for the second time. She was speechless.

Fin noticing how Olivia was upset with this situation, tried to reason with her "Liv, look... forget the protective detail, come on... let us handle this!".

"Oh Fin not you... please... what if something happens to her? You, Nick and i will be held responsable for that! Do you want your partner to get hurt?" Explained Olivia with a shaky voice.

"Nothing's gonna happen to her, as long as we're there for her i promise... you need to trust us! and more importantly you need to trust yourself... and i think she's already hurt pretty bad..." Said Fin calmly.

Olivia didn't say anything. She knew that Fin was right. She didn't trust her abilities at making the right decisions anymore.

Olivia stood up, walking to the window, and gazed at it for a minute then turned towards Fin and said "Okay. You and Nick are her protective detail. But if anything happens...", Fin interrupted her "It won't... i give you my word.".

Olivia remained silent, then excused herself "I'm gonna freshen up...".

"I'll go find Amanda and tell her the good news. Oh and Liv..." Said Fin.

"What?" Replied Olivia.

"About what Amanda said, i don't think that's true... she didn't mean it, it was just in the heat of the moment that's all... don't take it too personally... And go easy on her... She needs your support as a friend, even though she doesn't really show it." Explained Fin.

Olivia nodded with watery eyes but remained quiet, then she headed to the bathroom.

Once in the bathroom, Olivia locked herself up in a cabin and couldn't hold her tears anymore.

"I can't take it anymore... I keep hurting people i care about... Why is this so hard... I'm so tired... I can't take it... Everybody's counting on me... It's too much pressure... I'm not even sure i can do this anymore..." Thought Olivia silently while crying uncontrollably.

Olivia let go of all of the haunting emotions she kept bottling up.

...

**Monday, November 25th. 2:30pm. The parking lot.**

Nick rushed outside of the building looking for Amanda. She was leaning against the parking lot's metal grille across the street, lighting up a cigarette.

Nick crossing the road, approached Amanda and said while standing beside her "Amanda... I'm sorry...".

Amanda looking away, ignored his apologies, while taking a puff of her cigarette.

"It's my fault... i was there when you two were arguing..." Nick continued but didn't know what to say anymore.

"Save it. You didn't put your gun on her head forcing her to talk. She did it on her own." Replied Amanda, appearing to be calm.

"But why didn't you tell me?" Asked Nick showing his confusion.

"Ugh... you gotta be kidding me..." Smirked Amanda, then added while throwing her cigarette away " Why are you guys expecting me to blab out every single thing happening in my life? This is unbelievable...".

"That's not what i meant... I'm sorry..." Replied Nick desperately. Suddenly Fin appeared in front of the building's doors, and walked towards them.

"Hey girl, guess who are your new babysitters?" Fin informed her cracking up a half smile.

Amanda snorted while cracking up a half smile but didn't say anything.


	13. Chapter 13

**Monday, November 25th. 6:30pm.**

Things were heated up at the precinct. Olivia was doubting her abilities of leading the squad. Nick felt that Amanda was pissed at him because he knew more about her past life than she ever wanted to reveal to him. Fin, even though he showed his support to his partner, was really scared that something might happen to her under his watch, and he wouldn't be able to protect her as he should. He was being more of a protective big brother than a partner. And finally Amanda was not only suspended due to her behavior with her superior, but she also was in great danger.

Gazing away, Amanda on the passenger seat was looking out of the window. She wasn't really focused on what was happening around her. Her mind was absorbed by the fight she had with her boss and mostly by Mike Miller, the monster who hurt her three years ago and changed her as a person forever. Amanda didn't really know how to handle things anymore. She was genuinely petrified. Even though she was deeply grateful that her colleagues had fought for her and had her back, Amanda was hopeless. She knew that if Miller wanted something from her, he would get it by any means.

Fin next to her driving the car, brought her back from her thoughts, "Where did you go?" Asked Fin smiling.

Amanda shook her head to get her focus back and replied while cracking up a fake smile "Nowhere, i'm here...".

"You sure you're okay?" Fin asked her showing his concern.

"Yeah..." Amanda replied lacking of conviction.

Fin focusing on the road, wanted to ask Amanda a question. A question he judged being a little risky, because he was kind of anticipating her reaction.

Fin decided to ask her anyway "Amanda... Miller clearly thinks you send the letter to IAB... and that would explain why he's pissed at you...".

"What's your point Fin? you wanna know if i sent it ?" Amanda said calmly, interrupting Fin's reasoning.

"Did you?" Asked her Fin.

There was something about Fin that made Amanda trust him. She never knew what was it exactly, she simply knew that she can trust him with basically anything. He wasn't the judgy type of guy, so it made it easier.

"... Six months after i got here... things were okay with work and stuff, i was slowly putting my past behind me. One day on the papers, i saw Miller's picture. A whole article about him, saying how brave he was, one of the best cops that Atlanta has ever had... but it was all loads of crap... of course. I'm pretty sure he bribed the paper to publish this. It made me sick to my stomach... i couldn't stop thinking about what he did to me. I was out of my mind... so i decided to get justice somehow... i started digging into his life, i tried to find if there were any other victims... you know... besides me... and i found three. I contacted each and one of them, explained to them the whole thing, i told them all they had to do was to press charges and he'd get away for good... but they refused. They were scared obviously. He probably bought their silence too. And that made me even more sick... i couldn't take it anymore. After all the lives he destroyed, he still gets away with it. And since i knew he would never pay for it, i decided to mess with the most precious thing he owned...his reputation. so yeah... i wrote that letter... and sent it to IAB. You know how they take very seriously any accusations against any law officer. Even if there were no evidence, they'd still investigate. And of course the story would go public and his reputation of a great sergeant would go six feet under..." Explained Amanda with a knot in her throat.

"Damn... and that son of bitch played it cleaver and resigned..." Replied Fin utterly blown away with what Amanda just confessed to him.

"Exactly." Replied Amanda dryly.

"But wait... How does he know that it's you who sent it?" Asked Fin intrigued.

"That bastard knows that the other victims would never talk. He had them wrapped on his fingers. And i'm the only one he couldn't reach. So he probably got scared that i'd open my mouth... and now he wants to shut me up once and for all." Replied Amanda dryly.

"But what he doesn't know, is that you're not alone..." Replied Fin showing his support to his partner.

Amanda smiled without saying a word.

Fin arriving down Amanda's building, parked the car in front of the entrance.

"You should probably tell Liv about the letter..." Suggested Fin.

"She's smart, she probably has figured it out by now." Replied Amanda.

"Don't be hard on her... she has a lot on her plate right now, and the last thing she needs is her squad against her..." Explained Fin calmly.

"... I know..." Replied Amanda while rubbing her forehead, then added "I got a headache... i'm gonna go up and get some sleep.".

"I'll be here all night if you need me, i'll call you every hour to check on you... you better pick up!" Fin said reassuring his partner while cracking up a smile.

"Okay daddy !" Said Amanda smiling.

...

**Monday, November 25th. 9:00pm. The special victims unit squad room.**

Olivia Benson had a rough day. She was locked up in her office making herself busy with paperwork.

Shortly Nick showed up at the office's door.

"Liv, got a minute?" Asked Nick.

"Sure, come in. Anything new?" Replied Olivia.

"The rapist Becky hired, he calls himself Jack Russel... probably a fake name. I got in contact with him on the net, pretending to be a desperate forty five year old woman, willing to pay a thousand bucks cash to see her cheating husband dead. He fell for the trap and gave me an address to meet him up, tomorrow two pm." Explained Nick.

"Nice work Nick." Replied Olivia.

"We'll pick him up tomorrow with Fin." Said Nick determined.

"He might be armed Nick. We gotta play it smooth. He won't like it if he sees two cop looking guys approaching him. Things might turn wrong. I'll go first and introduce myself as the client, and you guys will stay put, on my signal, we strike." Explained Olivia.

Nick wasn't too fond of Liv's idea, but he admitted that she was right.

"Got it, sergeant." Replied Nick, then added "How is Samantha?".

"I went to see her earlier at the hospital, she's still shaking but she'll be okay. Her brother came by to see her, i talked to him and he told me that he'd lost contact with their parents, they kicked him out of the house the day he came out..." Replied Olivia.

"Damn..." Said Nick in shock.

"Yeah... Samantha was glad to see him, he offered to take her with him to Los Angeles... There's still a good chance for her to turn the page and live a good life." Replied Olivia.

"Hopefully. You should go home Liv... and get some rest. You look exhausted." Suggested Nick.

"I will... I have to do something first." Replied Olivia.

"Good night." Said Nick while leaving her office.

"You too." Replied Olivia.

...

**Monday, November 25th. 10:00pm. Amanda's building.**

A car parked behind Fin's. He looked back at the rear view mirror and noticed a familiar face getting out of the car.

Olivia getting out of her car, approached Fin's car.

"Hey, is everything okay?" Wondered Fin.

"Yeah... i just needed to talk to Amanda. Everything's alright here?" Asked back Olivia.

"It's Clear." Replied Fin.

"Good." Said Olivia, then headed to the building's entrance.

Once behind the door, Olivia was highly anxious, she knew that Amanda wasn't gonna be thrilled to see her. After a long hesitation, Olivia finally found the courage to knock on the door. Few seconds later, Amanda opened the door with a surprised unwelcoming look.

"What are you doing here?" Amanda said sharply.

"Can we talk?" Demanded Olivia hoping Amanda won't turn her down.

Amanda stepping away from the door, let Olivia get in then said "Want anything to drink?".

"I'm fine thanks." Olivia replied.

Amanda headed to the couch and sat down. Olivia followed her and sat in the chair facing her.

"Hum... i wanna apologize... Things have been rough lately for all of us... and i feel like i'm losing control... i really shouldn't have told Nick about... you know. It wasn't up to me to tell him. And about what you said earlier... it's not true. I never tried playing the super cops with you... i genuinely wanted us to be good friends..." Explained Olivia while looking down, then added while smiling "I mean we're the only two ladies in the middle of all these guys... so we need to stick together...".

Amanda not breaking eye contact with Olivia, remained motionless and silent.

"I'm tired of arguing... i know i betrayed your trust... and i'll make it up to you, i promise. I'm really sorry... i hope you can forgive me... " Continued Olivia, then added with watery eyes "There are so many things going on... there's too much pressure... i feel like i'm losing it...".

Amanda very calm, and noticing Liv's despair, took a minute before speaking then said in a reassuring tone "It's okay Liv... You're not alone... I know you can handle it... we're here to help you out. And i apologize too for... all the things i said... i didn't mean them... i know you were trying to do what's best for me, and i appreciate it, i shouldn't have reacted this way...".

"Let's start from scratch, shall we?" Suggested Olivia smiling while wiping away a tear.

"Sounds about right." Said Amanda smiling.

"Good. I better go now..." Said Olivia While standing up, then added while heading to the door "See you tomorrow first thing in the morning, Nick got in contact with Sam's rapist, we're gonna get him.".

"Wait what? But... my suspension?" Replied Amanda showing her confusion, while standing up.

"What suspension?" Smirked Olivia, then added " Sleep well.".

"Oh... you too!" Replied Amanda while scratching the back of her head.

...

**Tuesday, November 26th. 2:00am. Amanda's apartment.**

Amanda deeply asleep, got awakened by a loud ringing phone. Thinking it was Fin, she grabbed her phone without looking at the screen and answered saying, with a tired voice "Ugh Fin ... keep calling me like that and i will kick your butt big time...".

"Hello honey..."Mike Miller said, interrupting Amanda's threats.

Amanda froze, her eyes wide open.

"Missed me?" Continued Mike trying to intimidate Amanda.

Amanda sitting in her bed, took her courage between her hands and blurted out "Son of a bitch, you think you're scaring me?".

"Oh sweet Mandy... i can't wait to see you..." Said Mike smirking, then added "I'm coming for you honey and don't forget that i don't need your permission to get what i want...".

"Stay away from me or i swear i'll kill you!" She Shouted out with an angry voice, then hung up the phone and threw it away.

Amanda bringing her knees to her chest, curled up in a ball and sat there petrified, cold tears falling down her face.


	14. Chapter 14

_Chapter 14 ahead! I'd qualify this one as "intense" , enjooy!_

* * *

**Tuesday, November 26th. 3:00am. Amanda's apartment.**

It was dark in Amanda Rollins' apartment. She was wide awake, unable to rest, still shaking from the phone call she just received. She didn't know what to do. The idea of calling Fin crossed her mind for a split second but she didn't go for it, not only because she didn't want to worry him, but the truth is, she didn't want Fin to see her frightened.

In her career, Amanda had to face a lot of perpetrators. Angry ones trying to attack her, or intimidate her, but they never scared her. Even though she was not as tall or as strong as they were, she always managed to put them down and show them who was in control. But it wasn't the case with Miller. Something about him, made her lose the glow of confidence she had in her. He managed to overpower her physically, but mostly mentally. Just thinking about him, made her go numb. She felt paralyzed, out of touch, Filled with doubts and confusion.

Amanda taking he courage between her hands, stood up from her bed and headed to the kitchen to get something to drink.

Few minutes later, hearing knocks on the door, Amanda froze. She stopped breathing, turning utterly pale. The most horrible idea crossed her mind.

"He's here..." Thought Amanda silently.

Gaining back her focus, Amanda rushed to her nightstand and grabbed her gun, then started approaching the door slowly while pointing her gun straight out, trying to keep her hands steady, in vain. Each step she was making, tightened her heart more and made her breathing fast.

Few inches away from the door, Amanda's heart dropped when she heard Fin's voice.

"Amanda... it's me! open up!" Yelled out Fin through the door.

Amanda putting down her gun in relief, opened the door.

"Wow... it's me... I saw the lights from your window! you alright girl?" Said Fin noticing the gun in Amanda's hands.

Amanda releasing a heavy sigh, managed to say with a shaky voice "...He... called me...".

"What? Miller called you? When?" Replied Fin extremely worried.

"... About an hour ago. He said he's coming for me... so when i heard the knocks on the door... i thought..." whispered Amanda, not able to hold her tears anymore.

"Hey easy easy" Said Fin while taking Amanda's gun away, then he got closer to her and held her in his arms.

"I... don't know what to do, Fin... I'm so scared..." Cried out Amanda.

"Just take it easy... i'm here for you... It's gonna be alright." Reassured Fin, then added "Look, take this gun, i'm gonna check the building up... Lock your door and don't open it until i come back. Okay?".

Amanda nodded while wiping her tears away, then took her gun back.

Fin left the apartment leaving Amanda all alone. She was highly anxious, holding her gun straight up to the door. Crazy thoughts were rushing in her mind. Her emotions were mixed up.

Ten minutes later, two knocks on the door made Amanda slightly jump.

"It's Fin." Asserted Fin.

Amanda relieved, opened the door to him, then asked "So?".

"It's clear. He was just trying to intimidate you, Amanda." Reassured her Fin while locking the door behind him, then walked her to the couch "Get a seat... let me get you something to drink.".

Amanda still holding the gun, headed to the couch and sat down.

Few minutes later, Fin bringing two cups of coffee, sat beside her while handing her one.

Amanda put the gun over the table, then took the cup and remained quiet.

Fin kept looking at her, noticing how frightened she was, then said trying to calm her down "Amanda, he can't reach you. I won't let him, you're safe... i promise.".

Amanda making eye contact with Fin, nodded, trying to show Fin that she trusted him, but she knew what Miller was capable of. And that he would get what he wanted no matter what.

"Don't tell Olivia about... the phone call... please." Requested Amanda.

Fin didn't reply.

...

**Tuesday, November 26th. 12:00pm. The special victims unit squad room.**

Everyone was gathered in the squad room, waiting for Olivia's instructions.

"Guys, please..." Ordered Olivia, asking for the detectives' attention, then added while pointing at a Picture on the board "Alright... Roney Nollan who goes by Jake Russel on the net, registered as a sex offender but never convicted. He was identified by Becky Anderson as being Samantha Robins' rapist. Becky hired him to get rid of Samantha. Detective Amaro got in contact with him yesterday night, pretending to be a forty five year old woman, asking for his services, to get rid of her cheating husband for a thousand dollars. I'm gonna present myself as her. You guys will be in position, waiting for my signal. The exchange will happen At two pm at a warehouse, in Long island. He might be armed, so we gotta be careful. Once the exchange is done, we hit.". Then added "Any questions?... okay. So we better move. Everyone in position.".

Olivia headed to Amanda's desk then said "A moment?".

Amanda followed Olivia in her office.

"Everything went well last night?" Olivia asked showing her concern.

"Did you talk to Fin?" Replied Amanda, thinking Fin told Liv about what happened the previous night.

"I'm asking you... Why you asking?" Replied Liv intrigued.

"No particular reason..." Said Amanda, then added after a minute "He called me at two am... Miller. It was not big of a deal, Fin searched the whole building, but it was clear.".

Olivia remained quiet for a minute, then said "What did he say?".

"The usual, you know, he tried intimidating me." Replied Amanda without getting into details.

Olivia could clearly see that Amanda was scared.

"Are you okay?" Asked Olivia concerned for her friend.

"I can handle it." Replied Amanda without breaking eye contact with her.

"Good." Said Olivia without conviction, then added in a reassuring tone "We'll find him, Amanda... We'll find him.".

...

**Tuesday, November 26th. 2:00pm. Long island.**

Olivia walking inside the warehouse, was anxious but remained calm.

Meanwhile, Fin, Nick and Amanda were all set. Fin was covering the back door, while Amanda and Nick covered the front door.

Roney Nollan was right on time waiting for her.

Olivia seeing Nollan ten yards ahead of her, approached him.

"Are you Jake Russel?" Liv asked.

"Depends... Do you have something for me?" Replied Nollan with his crooked voice.

Olivia reached slowly down her purse to show him the money. Once Nollan saw all the cash, he popped up a smile on his face.

"So... A pretty lady like you... wants to get rid of her husband! that's pretty naughty..." Said Nollan.

"Desperate times require desperate measures." Replied Olivia trying to sound as brief as possible.

"Ahhh... Pretty, naughty and smart! i'm starting to like you sweety..." Said Nollan while approaching Olivia.

"So you do it or what? i have the money, i achieved the half of the deal! it's up to you to achieve the rest!" Said Olivia while feeling that Nollan was hitting on her.

"Oh come on sweet heart... there's no rush!" Replied Nollan while rubbing his filthy hand on Liv's cheek.

Olivia tried to remain as calm as possible, but the thought of that pervert's hand on her face made her sick to her stomach.

"I have to be somewhere else..." Said Olivia trying to keep her face away from him.

"Shhh... honey... you're not going anywhere... we're gonna have fun, just you and i baby girl..." Cackled Nollan.

Olivia feeling the situation heating up, couldn't stop replaying Images of William Lewis in her mind.

When Roney Nollan started to get clingy, Olivia grabbed his hand, and sprained it violently. Nollan couldn't contain his pain and started screaming. Olivia knocked him down, forcing him on his knees. Amanda and Nick hearing all the conversation, rushed in shouting out "Police!".

Nick approached Nollan and proceeded to handcuff him, then Olivia got closer to Nollan's face and said with an intimidating tone "I told you i have somewhere else to be...", then whispered on his ear "Oh and it's sergeant Benson by the way.".

Amanda noticing how tense Liv was, said "You okay Liv? you're shaking!".

"I'm fine." Replied Olivia sharply while trying to hide her shaky hands.

...

**Tuesday, November 26th. 4:00pm. The special victims unit's interrogating room.**

Nick and Olivia in the interrogating room, were questioning Nollan to get a confession out him. While Amanda was following the interrogation behind the window.

"Roney Nollan... yeah i agree Jake Russel is much better " Said Olivia sarcastically, trying to break him.

Roney Nollan cracked up a fake smile but remained silent.

"So Roney, did you know that you're registered on the sex offenders list?" Asked Olivia.

"I never did anything." Replied Nollan starting to get anxious.

"Oh really? what about in that warehouse? Didn't you say you wanted to have fun?" Said Olivia while standing up slowly, then went behind him and approached his ear from the back, whispering "Huh? Just you and...i?".

Nollan started to get sweaty, then he said showing his anger "You turned me on! You asked for it!".

"What about Samantha Robins? Did she ask for it too?" Asked Olivia shouting.

"Who? i don't know who that is..." Replied Nollan trying to remain calm.

"Really? Well that's inconvenient! because you see... we found your DNA in her!" Lied Olivia trying to make him break.

Nollan burst out yelling "That's impossible! i used a condom!".

Olivia sitting on the table looked at Nick and smiled saying "Well that was easy!".

Roney Nollan noticing what he just said, blurted out "No! that's not what i meant!".

"Too late ..." Replied Nick while standing up.

Meanwhile Amanda behind the window, cracked up a smile and sighed.

Hearing foot steps behind her, she turned around, while turning off the speaker so she wasn't able to hear the conversation in the interrogating room anymore. She noticed Fin and said while leaning against the window "Did you see that fool, Liv totally cracked him up..." .

Nollan in the interrogating room, suddenly stood up outraged, yelling out "Liar!" while grabbing his chair and throwing it across the table trying to hit Olivia, but she anticipated his move and ducked on time before the chair could reach her, and the chair violently flew, hitting the window, breaking it in thousands of pieces.

Nick and Olivia rushing over Nollan, subdued him, but heard Fin screaming behind the window "Call a bus!".

Olivia hearing Fin calling for medical assistance, rushed behind the window and found Amanda lying down facing the floor, unconscious and bleeding out.


	15. Chapter 15

_Hello guys! Chapter 15 is here! i'm really inspired lately, that's basically why i'm updating quite everyday! in this chapter , i tried explaining at the end, something that we saw on the show (Extremely unexpected thing though and i think you guys will back me up on this one), and i've tried to show how it started. Anyway i will say no more! enjoy and review!_

* * *

**Tuesday, November 26th. 4:30pm. The special victims unit squad room.**

The atmosphere in the squad room was electric, all of the detectives were in shock. One of their own got severely injured, and it looked pretty bad.

Amanda Rollins who was leaning against the window during Roney Nollan's interrogation, got violently hit in the back of her head, by a chair that Nollan tossed away through the window. She was thrown away down unconscious, with debris of broken glass stuck in her neck.

Olivia in total shock, looked at Fin who was on his knees next to Amanda. She was lying down, facing the floor, with multiple bleeding cuts and broken glass stuck in the back of her head.

"Amanda! can you hear me! Amanda!" Yelled out Fin extremely worried.

"Don't touch her Fin!" Screamed out Olivia fearing the worst.

The paramedics arrived few minutes later.

"What have we got?" One of the paramedic said .

"She was hit from the back by the chair through the window!" Explained Fin in a hurry.

"Did you move her?" Asked back the paramedic.

"No... No we didn't... She's losing too much blood!" Replied Olivia worried.

"We gotta move her ! we can't risk taking out the broken glass here, her spinal cord might be touched!" Yelled out the paramedic to his colleague.

Fin and Olivia looked at each other terrorized.

"What do you mean? She might be ... Paralyzed?" Asked Olivia, anxiety gaining her quickly.

"We don't know... we gotta take her to the hospital now." The paramedic answered while carefully handling Amanda with his partner and lifting her to put her on a stretcher.

"I'll go with her!" Olivia blurted out to Fin, while following the paramedics outside of the unit.

Fin rushed out extremely angry, heading to the interrogating room where Nick, in shock, was holding Nollan in cuffs.

"You son of a bitch!" Screamed out Fin while launching at Nollan and hitting him in the face.

"Fin! no! He's not worth it!" Nick yelled out as he tried keeping Fin away.

Fin outraged, left the room heading to the elevators.

Nick ordered an officer to walk Nollan to the cage down stairs, then rushed away from the room to reach Fin in the hall.

"What was that, man?" Yelled out Nick while grabbing Fin from his shoulder to get his attention.

Fin suddenly turned facing Nick and gazed at him with a threatening look.

"She's my partner!" Said Fin with an angry tone.

"Oh so you wanna get revenge? and risk to lose your job? Very clever!" Blurted out Nick.

"She might be paralyzed, Nick..." Yelled out Fin.

Nick suddenly froze. All of his anger faded away, replaced by fear.

"Oh my god..." Replied Nick while putting his hands on his face.

"I'm heading to the hospital now." Said Fin while getting in the elevator.

...

**Tuesday, November 26th. 5:30pm. Mercy hospital.**

Fin and Nick just arrived at the hospital's hall when they saw Olivia walking towards them.

"How bad is it?" Said Nick showing up his fear.

"I don't know anything yet..." Replied Olivia who was utterly pale.

"They took her to surgery?" Asked Fin.

"I don't know Fin!" Yelled out Olivia in despair, then added "I'm sorry...".

Nick not able to contain himself, rushed to a nurse asking her "Please, Do you have any information about Amanda Rollins! She got admitted an hour ago!".

"A doctor will be with you in a moment sir." Replied the nurse dryly.

Thirty minutes later, a doctor finally showed up.

Nick, Fin and Olivia sitting in the waiting room, stood up simultaneously.

"How is she?" Asked Olivia with a shaky voice.

"She's gonna be fine. The cuts in her neck were superficial, the X rays showed that her spinal cord is intact. But She's suffering from a mild concussion, and a clavicle fracture. So when she'll regain consciousness, she's gonna be in a lot of pain. She will need a lot of rest." Explained the doctor.

"Oh... Thank god!" Said Nick releasing a sigh in relief.

"Thank you doctor." Said Olivia to the doctor.

"Also, she might be suffering from a short term memory loss, she won't be able to remember what happened to her." Continued the doctor.

"Will she get her memory back?" Asked Olivia worried.

"Eventually yes, but she can't be rushed. You can always help her to rejoin the pieces back, but hopefully she will be able to do it on her own. There's no need to worry. Your friend is very lucky." Explained the doctor.

"Can we see her now?" Asked Fin.

"She's unconscious. If you wanna stay with her, i don't see any objections... She's in room 221." Replied the Doctor.

"Thank you very much doctor." Replied Fin.

...

**Tuesday, November 26th. 8:30pm. Mercy hospital. Room 221.**

Nick, Fin and Olivia were all surrounding Amanda's bed. She was lying there, peacefully asleep, with her left arm wrapped in bandages to keep it steady.

A nurse showing up at the door, explained to them that they had to leave.

"We can't leave her side. This is a police matter ma'am." Replied Fin.

"Alright, but only one of you can stay by her side, the rest should leave. I'm sorry but this is the hospital's policy. No exceptions." Replied the nurse sharply.

Olivia looked at Fin and Nick and said "Guys, it's alright. You go, and i'll stay with her.".

"I wanna stay." Replied Fin.

"You need to rest Fin, You stayed outside her building all night. I can't afford losing another detective because of sleep lacking." Replied Olivia smiling.

"Then i'll stay." Replied Nick.

"Nick, You have your son tonight, you're not gonna cancel on him." Replied Olivia showing her support to her partner, then added "I'm staying, and this is my final say." Replied Olivia.

"Alright. But if there's anything, you call us!" Said Fin showing his concern.

"Okay! Go get some rest, you look terrible..." Replied Olivia smiling.

...

**Wednesday, November 27th. 2:00am. Mercy hospital. Room 221.**

Olivia sitting in a chair next to Amanda's bed, was fighting not to fall asleep. She had to stay up all night to watch out for her friend who, not only was injured but also was in danger. Olivia couldn't let anything else happen to her especially under her watch.

Shortly, Olivia heard soft moans. Amanda was slowly waking up.

Olivia stood up, getting closer to Amanda's side.

"Mhh...Where..." Muttered Amanda trying to speak.

"Hey it's me, Olivia... You're in the hospital, You had an accident, but you're fine..." Explained Olivia with a shaky voice.

Olivia was extremely concerned for her friend, and heart broken because of all what she was going through.

"Mhh... My head... Olivia..." Whispered Amanda while holding her head with her right hand.

"Don't try to move honey! you have a fractured clavicle..." Replied Olivia.

"Huh... i feel ... like a bus ran over me..." Said Amanda slowly.

Olivia cracked up a smile, trying to cover up her watery eyes and shaky voice.

"I can't remember... What happened?" Asked Amanda utterly confused.

"What is the last thing you remember sweety?" Asked Back Olivia trying to help her friend.

"Hum... I... was talking... to Fin... and i was watching you... and Nick talking to... that guy... that guy... what was his name... i don't remember his name..." Replied Amanda showing her confusion.

"Roney Nollan." Replied Olivia.

"Yeah... and then... then... I don't remember what happened next... It's a total blackout... What happened to me Liv?" Said Amanda with watery eyes.

"You were standing against the window, and Nollan was agitated, he threw the chair through the window and it hit you in the back of your head... The doctor said, you suffered from a mild concussion, you also have several superficial cuts in your neck, but you'll be fine honey, don't worry." Explained Olivia gently.

"Oh my god... My head hurts... ugh..." Replied Amanda, a tear falling down her cheek.

A nurse came in at that same moment, and gave Amanda a dose of morphine to ease her pain and let her sleep.

"You need to rest now sweety, i'll be right here when you wake up..." Said Olivia while brushing gently Amanda's hair.

Amanda slowly closed her eyes and fell asleep. Olivia sat back in her chair while rubbing her eyes to keep herself from falling asleep and remain fully aware.

...

**Wednesday, November 27th. 10:00am. Mercy hospital. Room 221.**

Fin knocked on the door, holding a little teddy bear written on in "get well soon".

"Knock knock!" Said Fin smiling, followed by Nick.

"Fin! Nick!" Replied Amanda fully awake, cracking up a smile.

"How's my favorite partner?" Replied Fin.

"A little smashed up... but i'll be fine! Oh what is that in your hand?" Said Amanda smiling.

"A little friend for you To keep you company..." Said Fin while handing her the teddy bear.

"Oh that's cute! i'm gonna name him Fin!" Replied Amanda smiling.

Olivia approached Nick and spoke quietly "She regained consciousness about seven hours after you guys left, she remembered pretty much everything except the impact... but she'll be fine. She seems to handle the pain pretty well.".

"That's great." Replied Nick showing how relieved he was.

At the same moment, the doctor came in to check on Amanda, asking her few questions to test her short term memory.

"Doctor, can i go home? i feel fine! I'm not a big fan of hospitals. And if i have to rest, i'd rather do it in my bed... please..." Begged Amanda.

"Mhh... You need a lot of rest detective, but i don't see any objection, i'll prepare the paper work, and give you pain meds. Take them only if you feel the pain, they'll also help you to sleep better. You'll be out by late this noon." Suggested the doctor.

"Oh thank you doctor." Replied Amanda relieved.

Olivia walked outside of the room, followed by Nick and Fin.

"I'll take her home and stay with her all night, you guys can go." Suggested Nick.

"Don't forget that she's still in danger, and now she's physically fragile." Replied Olivia.

"I know, sergeant." Replied Nick.

...

**Wednesday, November 27th. 09:00pm. Amanda Rollins' building.**

Nick driving Amanda home, parked his car in front of her building, then got out of the car to help her out.

"Slowly... hold on to me..." Said Nick while helping Amanda with a her disabled arm, walk to her apartment.

Once inside the apartment, Nick walked Amanda to her couch and said "You're okay?".

"I'm fine, Nick... Stop worrying..." She replied while smiling.

"Let me get you something to drink!" Suggested Nick while stepping away from her.

"No... i'm fine... just seat... here..." Replied Amanda, while showing Nick the seat beside her.

Nick approached closely, then sat close to her.

"You need anything? just tell me..." Asked Fin while looking intensely at Amanda.

"I'm fine..." Replied Amanda not breaking eye contact with Nick who was sitting an inch away from her.

Suddenly, Nick approached his face to hers, putting his lips gently on hers.


	16. Chapter 16

_I'm thrilled to present you chapter 16. This one is quite intense! you will see A LOT of Miller, so hold your hearts! Enjoy_

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**Wednesday, November 27th. 09:30pm. Amanda Rollins' apartment.**

Amanda Rollins who got out of the hospital after suffering from a bad head injury, was accompanied to her house by her colleague and friend Nick. Once in the apartment, none of them could've anticipated what was about to happen. In fact, there were signs of a growing rapprochement between the two of them. An intense gaze from Amanda and a gentle kiss from Nick.

Amanda feeling Nick's lips pressed against hers, sensed her heart pounding against her chest. But a sudden feeling of guilt ravaged her conscious, and she knew that she had to push him away.

"Nick... i don't think that's a good idea..." Said Amanda slowly while pushing Nick away gently.

Nick stepping away from her, suddenly stood up mumbling "It's my fault... i'm sorry... I don't know why ...i... I'm gonna go... i'm sorry...".

"No Nick... It's alright! You don't have to go!" Replied Amanda while standing up quickly.

"I'll be down stairs... if there's any trouble... call me. " Said Nick without making any eye contact with her, then walked fastly towards the door and left.

Amanda stood there confused, one arm wrapped in bandages, the other hand on her lips.

"What was that? why did he... i just... maybe he misinterpreted the way i was looking at him? or does he have a thing for me? Oh god i don't need this on my plate now..." Thought Amanda silently.

Nick leaving the building in a hurry, climbed inside his car and remained there, completely numb.

"Why did you have to mess things up... We're just friends... and i ruined everything." Thought Nick silently while putting his hands on his face. He couldn't help but blame himself.

Nick kept replaying that kiss over and over in his mind, and thought "It was just a kiss... that's it, tomorrow i'll talk to her and tell her it didn't mean anything.".

Meanwhile Amanda was about to head to bed. After freshening up in the bathroom, she walked to her bedroom and sat on the edge of her bed, then remained there over thinking quietly for several minutes.

Feeling the pain in her head overwhelming her, Amanda took the pain meds that were on her night stand, to ease her pain and also to relax and sleep better.

The only issue with these pain meds, was that they totally knocked her out. But she couldn't complain, noticing the fact that she'd been begging to get a good night sleep for so long, without all these nightmares and insomnia.

...

**Thursday, November 28th. 3:00am. Amanda's apartment.**

Amanda Rollins laying in her bed was peacefully asleep, nothing seemed to disturb her. Those pain meds were extremely efficient.

Suddenly Amanda felt a cold hand covering her mouth. She couldn't figure out whether she was dreaming or that hand was in fact real.

Amanda under the influence of strong sedatives, opened her eyes hardly but widely. But what she saw made her heart pound at a fast pace. She was breathing fast, not able to move, not only because of the sedative she took before she went sleep, but also because of the heavy and strong silhouette that was maintaining her steady.

"Hello Mandy... Missed me?" Whispered Mike Miller cracking up a smile.

Mike Miller was on top of Amanda, one of his hands were covering her mouth while the other one was holding her by her intact shoulder.

Amanda knew that it wasn't just a nightmare. She was unable to move. Her eyes got watery, she wasn't able to push him away due to her fractured shoulder, and he was subduing her by her other shoulder. It felt as if all of her body was on stand by, unable to control it. A paralyzing fear gaining her at a rapid pace.

"I told you i was coming for you honey!" Whispered Miller while getting closer to her ear, then added "Oh sweet heart, what happened to your shoulder?" and he pressed on her fracture which made Amanda grown in pain, but Miller held her tighter while saying "Shhh... I'm gonna take my hand off of your mouth, if you scream i'll kill you... Okay?".

Amanda nodded while tears kept rushing down.

"Good girl..." Said Miller with his crooked voice.

Holding her only by her shoulder, Miller used his other hand to reach out of his pocket and get a syringe.

"What do you want from me? Please go away!" Begged Amanda while keeping her voice down , unable to contain her tears.

While gazing at her intensely, Miller started injecting the drug on the right side of her throat, then whispered to her ear while emptying the whole syringe "You... I want you...".

...

**Thursday, November 28th. 8:00am. Amanda's apartment.**

Nick spent the whole night reminiscing in his thoughts. He counted the minutes until the sunrise, to finally go upstairs and clear things out with Amanda.

Nick behind Amanda's apartment's door, stood there hesitant, searching for the right words to tell her without making things even more awkward than they already were.

After taking a deep breath, he finally found the courage to knock twice on the door. But she didn't answer. Nick kept knocking, then said though the door "Hey Amanda, it's Nick open up!". Still no answer.

He thought maybe she was still deeply asleep. He knew that her state required plenty of rest, but he needed to make sure that she was alright. And he also needed to talk to her about last night's event. So he decided to call her on her cell, then stuck his ear to the door to hear the ringtone. He heard the phone ringing but she didn't pick up.

Nick starting to worry, thought maybe Amanda was unconscious due to her head injury, so he stepped away from the door, then knocked it down open.

Nick rushed into her bedroom while calling her name. But she wasn't there. The only thing he found, was an empty syringe on the floor near her bed. He searched the whole house, but Amanda was nowhere to be found.

"Oh my god... where is she! this can't be happening..." Thought Nick while taking his phone out to call the squad.

"Liv! Amanda's been abducted..." Blurted out Nick while rubbing the back of his head.

"What? How did that happen!" Replied Olivia in disbelief.

"I don't know! i was here the whole night! i didn't see anybody going out or coming in!" Replied Nick in despair.

"I'm coming right now!" Replied Olivia sharply.

...

**Thursday, November 28th. 9:00am. Amanda's apartment.**

Amanda's apartment was full of officers and CSU techs. Fin had just arrived, headed directly to Nick confronting him "How could you let that happen Nick!".

"I didn't let anything happen!" Replied Nick with anger in his voice.

Olivia coming at that right moment, stepped in between them.

"Fin not now." Blurted out Olivia while pushing Fin away.

"Nick, after you drove her here, what happened?" Asked Olivia giving her full attention to Nick.

"I... helped her to climb the stairs... then we got inside her apartment... i stayed there for five minutes only! then i went back in position! " Replied Nick showing his utter confusion.

Olivia put her hand on her forehead in disbelief, then Fin stepped in yelling out "Did you search the building after you left the apartment?".

"I... I... don't know!" Replied Nick in confusion.

"Did you or not, Nick!" Shouted out Fin.

"... I... No! I'm sorry... i forgot... i'm sorry... " Yelled out Nick.

"Sorry? She might be dead by now and all you have to say is sorry!" Screamed out Fin while launching at at Nick.

"Fin! step away!" Ordered Olivia while pushing Fin away, then said "Out now!". Fin left the apartment followed by Olivia.

"Fin, i know you're angry, but the blame is on you too... and on me! I warned you that this could happen!" Said Olivia quietly, then added "If you wanna find your partner, we need to work all together! do you hear me?".

"Yes, sergeant." Replied Fin sharply.

Olivia walked back in the apartment, heading to talk the bedroom where the CSU techs were trying to find evidence.

"Sergeant... We found a syringe near the bed, it contained a strong dose of a sedative. He used it to subdue her, she will be unconscious for several hours..." Explained the technician.

"How did he get in?" Asked back Olivia extremely worried.

"There's no sign of forced entry, he probably used cheap tools to open the lock... It isn't that hard, i could do it in my sleep." Replied the technician.

Olivia shot a cold gaze at the technician, then added "Did you find anything else? like Blood, or... semen on the sheets?".

"No sergeant." Replied the technician.

Olivia released a sigh of relief, she couldn't imagine her friend going through this another time.

...

**Thursday, November 28th. 12:00pm. A warehouse.**

Amanda still knocked out from all of the drugs in her system, started slowly to wake up. After progressively gaining back her focus, Amanda found herself sitting in a chair, her hands and legs tightened up. The ropes were so tight, that she felt them lacerating her wrists. The pain in her shoulder was so excruciating that it was barely sustainable. When she looked a head of her, Miller was there, sitting in a chair, facing her and smiling.

"Good morning sunshine... Slept well?" Said Mike while cracking up a crooked smile.


	17. Chapter 17

_Hello guys, this is chapter 17, i'm sorry it took me forever to write it, i have been dealing with some personal issues lately and i simply couldn't write anymore. Don't get me wrong, i love writing, and there's absolutely no way for me to drop this fiction. I will eventually finish it, but it's getting difficult for me to focus my attention on it, that's basically why it's taking me a while to write it. I hope you can understand and be patient. I appreciate all the kind words i've been receiving about it. I hope you'll enjoy this chapter. Thank you._

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**Thursday, November 28th. 1:00pm. Amanda Rollins' apartment.**

The situation among the detectives was heated up, one of their own had been abducted. The shock was even immense because Amanda's building was under surveillance that night, so they couldn't understand how did Miller get a hold of her.

Even though Fin put the blame on Nick, and accused him of not doing his job properly, he felt extremely guilty for her abduction as well. In fact, everyone in the unit did.

"I wanna know how in the hell did he get her outside of this building without anyone noticing!" Ordered Olivia, getting the attention of all of the detectives and the CSU techs that were collecting evidence in the apartment.

"We're on it sergeant." Replied a CSU tech.

...

**Thursday, November 28th. 2:00pm. A warehouse.**

Amanda tied up to a chair, was feeling extremely dizzy. The pain killers she took the night before, besides of the strong dose of sedative Miller administered to her, messed her up big time. Her vision was all blurry and she couldn't keep her head up.

"What... do you want from me..." Managed to say Amanda.

Mike Miller sitting in a chair and facing her, kept gazing at her intensely, following every of her slow movements.

"Oh Mandy Mandy Mandy... You've always been so impatient! That is just so wrong!" Said Miller while shaking his head.

Suddenly, Miller stood up from his chair and walked slowly towards her, then he grabbed her violently by her jaw and whispered to her ear "I'm gonna teach you how to be patient...sweet heart...".

"You... don't... scare me..." Whispered Amanda while shaking her head, trying to get Miller to release her from his grip.

"Oh really? Well this is about to change... darling... " Replied Miller while getting his hand away from her face.

Gathering up all of the energy she had left, Amanda managed to yell "Go...to hell!".

Laughing hysterically, Miller slapped her really hard, then added "If i go to hell, i'll take you with me...". He turned away, walked towards his chair, and sat back.

"Why don't you kill me already? Let's get this over with..." Said Amanda trying to destabilize Miller.

"Kill you?" Smirked Miller, then added "Nice try... I wanna have a little chit chat with you first. And then we'll have fun together..." Said Miller quietly while cracking up a crooked smile.

"How did you get into my apartment?" Said Amanda.

"I'm the one who asks questions in here, and if you disobey me, i will hurt you. Simple as that." Replied miller calmly.

"I'm not afraid of you..." Said Amanda fearless. She was already in a great deal of pain, physically and emotionally. Thinking nothing he can do to her will make the situation any worse.

Miller grabbed a knife from his back pocket, then showed it to Amanda and said while raising the tone of his voice "What did i just tell you Mandy? You are not listening! This is a bad habit! You're gonna have to be punished now...".

Miller walked slowly towards Amanda then crouched in front of her. Amanda holding still, was pale. She knew what Miller was capable of. Heavily sweating, Amanda was anticipating the worst.

Mike putting his hand over Amanda's thigh, started rubbing it slowly, up and down. "Oh baby, you're so tense! It's exciting..." He said while smiling.

Without breaking eye contact with her, he took the knife and approached it to her face, then rubbed her cheek with the blade while whispering "Do you see this knife? Do you want to know what i'm gonna do with it? You've been a bad girl... And a bad girl should be punished... Let me tell you what i'm gonna do... I'm gonna slowly put it in your tigh...So that you'll feel it getting inside you, you'll feel the blade lacerating your skin... You'll see the blood pouring out... You're feel your muscle tear up sooo ssloowly...".

Amanda breathing fast, was anticipating every slow move Miller was making. She just wanted to get this over with. She was tired of playing games and she knew that it was already over for her. She kept counting the seconds before watching Miller taking the knife away from her face, and slowly putting the tip of the blade against her thigh while looking at her and smiling, then he began to push it down in a slow motion.

Amanda contracting all of her muscles, closed her eyes tightly to try and ease the pain. Feeling the blade tearing her flesh up, Amanda couldn't hold herself and screamed her guts out in pain.

"Awww you like that !" Yelled out Miller while pushing the blade even harder against Amanda's thigh.

"STOOP! NOO PLEASE NOOO" Cried out Amanda.

Miller enjoying the scene so much, stopped pushing the blade without taking it out of her thigh, then he stepped away from her.

Amanda was sobbing in pain, unable to keep her head up. Her vision was even more blurry than before, her hands were tied up behind her back and she couldn't move. She saw blurry shades ahead of her but couldn't distinguish them. Amanda was losing consciousness.

"It's the end, he's gonna kill me after torturing me... It's..." She kept thinking silently but before she could finish her thought, she passed out.

...

**Thursday, November 28th. 2:00pm. Amanda Rollins' apartment.**

"Sergeant! We found something!" Yelled out a technician at the entrance of the apartment.

Olivia rushing out, said "What is it?".

"It's a little camera, it was in the vent. The abductor must have put it there to keep the apartment under constant surveillance. It's a cheap model, these little devices are easy to get, he probably bought it on the internet. But they're not really performant." Explained a CSU tech.

Olivia covering her mouth with her hand in disbelief, managed to say "How does it work?".

"It's a wireless camera, it works via bluetooth. He can activate it with any kind of computer, and he's probably using an internal hard drive to save all of the recordings. But the problem with these devices is that If the bluetooth connexion breaks up, the camera automatically stops recording. So the storage device has to be constantly close by to keep the connexion active. Do you see here, this red little light? It means it's still recording..." Continued the CSU tech.

"Which means that the computer is near by?" Olivia said while Interrupting him.

"exactly sergeant." Replied the CSU tech.

"Listen up everyone!" Yelled out Olivia trying to get everyone's attention.

"There's a computer in this building, it contains all of the recording of a camera that Miller used to watch Detective Rollins. It has to be near by. Search every corner of this building! Find it!" Ordered Olivia with a serious tone.

Olivia was extremely worried, she had to keep her calm to think things through, but she couldn't stop herself from anticipating the worst. She remembered her own abduction, all the torture she went through.

With the bits of pieces of information that Amanda gave her about Miller, Olivia knew what kind of monster she was facing.

...

**Thursday, November 28th. 4:00pm. A warehouse.**

Amanda feeling a sting in her thigh, started gaining back consciousness slowly, only to find Miller standing in front of her rubbing his fingers around the wound slowly while the knife was still inside.

"Oh hey there sleeping beauty! how are you?" Asked Miller while showing his teeth in a big smile.

Amanda groaning in pain couldn't say anything.

"It hurts, doesn't it? Well i'm sorry sweety... I had to punish you! It's your fault!" Said Miller while rubbing her other thigh. Then added while laughing "Oh don't worry, i'm not gonna hurt this leg, well i hope i won't have to... It's up to you anyway...".

Amanda managed to say, with tears falling down her eyes "What... do you want from me...".

Miller stood up and brought a chair next to Amanda's, then sat beside her and said using a calm tone "Well? Hum... I want revenge! Isn't that obvious?!".

"I didn't... do ... anything to you... You... raped me and i left... without saying a word..." Whispered Amanda with a shaky voice.

"Oh poor baby, You're playing the victim? Aww that is so sad!" Replied Miller with a high pitched voice. Then he added in a serious tone "I had a good life you know... a good job, a full pension, a great reputation...".

Miller getting angrier, grabbed the knife with both of his hands and brutally took it out of the wound, then stabbed her back hard with it into the same spot while yelling out "...Until someone decided to ruin all of this with a certain letter !".

Amanda released a heavy scream that couldn't fully show how excruciating the pain was.

Miller stood up while saying in a surprisingly calm tone "Oh...That was for disobeying me. I told you not to speak.".


	18. Chapter 18

_Hello everyone, i present you chapter 18, once again i apologize for the delay, i'm trying to do my best to write something good, i hope you'll enjoy. As i mentioned in the previous chapter, This fiction means a lot to me because it is my first, and i intend to finish it. Personally i can't wait to see the result of the ending myself! so i'm gonna require your full patience and comprehension, it is still hard for me to write but i try to as much as possible. Thank you._

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**Thursday, November 28th. 5:00pm. Amanda Rollins's apartment.**

Fin, Nick and the CSU techs in Amanda's building, were actively searching for the computer, that Miller used to store the recordings he collected from the camera that he placed to watch Amanda's movements.

Eventhough Fin was trying to stay calm and professional, he couldn't stop glancing angrily at Nick every time he passed by.

Nick was mortified but had to keep his focus to find that computer. Deep down he knew that he messed up by not staying with her that night, he knew that the kiss ruined everything. Nick was submerged by a tremendous layer of guilt.

"If it wasn't for that kiss, it would have been different, none of this would have happened... She would still be here... dear lord..." Thought Nick silently while walking through a hall taking him into the building's basement.

Nick reaching for his flashing light, pushed the basement's door with his other hand while walking slowly down the stairs, he didn't know what he would find down there. his heart was beating at a fast pace. He kept making up insane images in his mind while thinking "What if she's in there... Dead? How could i ever live with myself...". This last thought made Nick sick to his stomach.

Still walking slowly, a Part of Nick wanted him to find her in that basement "Maybe she's in here but she's okay, and everything will be finally over...", he kept thinking to reassure himself.

Nick flashing his light down the stairs leading to the basement, kept moving down carefully while pointing his gun ahead of him. Once down there, he found a switch on the wall to his left side. Anticipating the worst, he took a deep breath before flipping the switch on.

The basement was clear. No sign of Amanda, which made Nick kind of relieved not seeing her lifeless body lying there. Few minutes later, Fin appeared at the basement's entrance without saying a word.

"Found something! The computer, in here!" Yelled out Nick while looking up at Fin.

"First smart thing you did today." Replied Fin dryly without taking off his attention from the computer.

Nick silent, rolled his eyes away, then released a heavy sigh in despair.

Olivia appeared shortly followed by two CSU techs, Rubens Moralles and Judith Siper.

"There are cigarettes remains all over the floor. He might have been here for quite a while..." Suggested Fin while looking at Olivia.

Olivia glanced at Fin then asked "Does anyone else have access to the basement?".

"According to the concierge, no. Nobody else has the keys except him, and he hasn't been down here for a while." Replied Fin.

"Then how the hell did Miller get in here without nobody noticing?!" Asked Olivia with astonishment in her voice.

"Same way he did with Amanda's apartment..." Replied Fin while gazing at Nick.

CSU tech Judith Siper approaching Olivia, interrupted her questioning "Sergeant, the lock to the basement has been forced... But there are no prints on the door knob.".

"Son of a bitch..." Whispered Olivia under her breath.

"I'm gonna collect the cigarettes remains for a DNA test." Continued Siper ignoring Olivia last comment.

Olivia nodded in agreement then walked towards Moralles who was working on the computer.

"Got something?" Asked Olivia impatiently.

"I found all of the recordings. He'd been watching her entrances for over a month." Moralles Replied.

"Dear god..." Replied Olivia in despair.

"Guys! Over here!" Yelled out Judith Siper.

Olivia rushed to the back of the basement followed by Fin and Nick.

"There's a exist door, leading to the back of the building, that's why detective Amaro didn't see him coming out..." Explained Siper.

"He used the back door to get her out, without nobody watching." Said Liv Interrupting Siper's reasoning.

"That's right, sergeant." Replied Siper.

"But why didn't he take the computer with him? that doesn't make sense!" Asked Nick showing his annoyance.

"Maybe he didn't have the time, or recklessly forgot to take it..." Deduced Siper.

"Or maybe he left it on purpose... for us." Replied Olivia while looking horrified at Nick and Fin.

Fin and Nick glancing at Liv, kept quiet. When all of a sudden, Rubens Moralles yelled out "Guys... he's... streaming live.".

Olivia, Fin and Nick staring at the computer screen, were speechless.

They were looking at Amanda, who was unconscious, tied up to a chair with a knife implanted inside her right thigh.

...

**Thursday, November 28th. 5:30pm. A warehouse.**

Miller kneeling in front of Amanda's chair, was holding a portable camera in one hand while caressing Amanda's hair with his other hand.

"Baby... It's time to wake up, we have visitors!" Said Miller while showing his crooked smile.

Amanda unable to hold her head up, opened her eyes slowly.

"Say hi to your friends!" Said Miller while pointing at the camera, then added "Oh they can't hear us... they can only see you! It's better this way, don't you think?".

Amanda hardly processing the things that were happening around her, started regaining her focus back.

Miller pointed the camera to the wound on Amanda's thigh then said "Does that still hurt?".

Amanda gazed at him with cold eyes, trying to hide her fear and remained quiet.

"Good girl! You're obeying me now! ahh... i think i've been a little tough on you, haven't i?" Said Miller while pointing the camera back close to her face, then added "You know what? since... well... both you and i know that you are not going out of here alive... so i should accord you one question... Go ahead ask me whatever you want, You have my permission now.".

Amanda trying to bare the horrible pain she felt in her thigh and her broken shoulder, kept looking at him.

"Come on! ASK!" Yelled out Miller still holding the camera in his hand.

Amanda holding still, didn't jump up from Miller's sudden outburst.

"It's over... God... this is it... i never thought this would end up like that... he's trying to overpower me, and it's working..." Thought Amanda while looking at Miller intensely, then all of a sudden, something happened inside of her, she didn't know what it was, but her fear was gone and Miller noticed it in her eyes.

Miller's impatience got ahead of him and slapped Amanda very hard with the back of his right hand while holding the camera with his other hand, making sure the viewers wouldn't miss a second of the show that he was enjoying so much.

Amanda shaking her head was emotionless. She kept staring at Miller blankly with a straight face, no tears in her eyes, no screams coming out of her, nothing. She knew him better than he thought. Miller was turned on by the fear he triggered on his victim's eyes, and Amanda knew that very well, he used to trigger that same fear in her, but that belonged to the past.

Amanda was not afraid anymore, her eyes were filled with emptiness, maybe because she thought that it was the end for her, and she didn't want to let Miller think that she was still afraid of him.

Miller completely destabilized by Amanda behavior, was furious.

"I've been watching you for a while now... very closely actually." Said Miller trying to keep his calm to intimidate Amanda, then added when he saw that she was definitely not intimidated "Let me tell you the whole story, sweety... You're gonna enjoy it so much... i promise".

"I placed a tiny camera, like this one, in the vent that's in the corner of your floor, about... hum... a month ago? yes that's right, a month. Then i made sure to be in the perimeter everytime, just in case it was the right time to get you... i had that syringe the whole time in my pocket, waiting to be inside your veins... ahh but it was never the right time... until last night ! I saw your partner holding you... mhh... and he walked you to your apartment, You looked really smashed down, very weak and so vulnerable. So i knew that it was that night. I hid in the basement of your building... though i didn't know if your partner was gonna leave your apartment... i got pretty lucky i guess..." Said Miller while smiling.

Noticing Amanda's passive state, Miller approached his hand to caress her face then added "And oh my! That special moment when he left your apartment! i was so thrilled, then i got inside your apartment to see you...".

Amanda totally blank from Miller's recital, was motionless, and that made Miller out of himself.

"Oh something else, you should probably lock your door and be more careful ! It's really dangerous! You know, there could be some bad men outside who would want to hurt you!" Said Miller sarcastically while pointing the camera at her thigh, then he started taking the knife slowly out of the wound.

Amanda feeling the knife slowly lacerating her leg again, swallowed down the pain and remained quiet.

Miller approaching the knife to her face, rubbed the blade on her cheeks, leaving her with blood stains on her face, then hysterically laughed while pointing the camera on her "Say hi to your friends! they're watching you!".


	19. Chapter 19

**_Hello readers, after 9 months of absense, i'm here to present you chapter 19 of my fanfiction. I know it has been a very very long time and i sincerly apologize for this, a lot was going on, i couldn't write for a while, even right now i had really hard times finishing this fic. This story has got into me on a personal level, it's not just a simple story but anyway as promised, i finished it. There's a final chapter coming soon (I'll post it very very soon, i promise). Once again i apologize for the timing, i hope you can understand and bare with me. Crazy stuff are happening in this chapter (i guess i owed you this), i hope you like it, feedback is always appreciated. Thank you._**

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Pain, a physical or mental discomfort caused by an injury, a heartbreak or the loss of a loved one. Why do we seem to be wired on pain so much? Whether we inflict it to ourselves by overthinking and ruminating over a depressing past event or we inflict it to others to deliberately hurt them and scar them for life.  
These were the thoughts rushing inside Amanda's mind as she was being held against her will in a warehouse. Her hands were tightly tied behind her back, her right shoulder was severely broken and she was losing a lot of blood from the stab wound on her right thigh, but it seemed as if none of that mattered to her anymore. Not knowing if these thoughts were the fruit of hallucinations or if she was fully conscious, Amanda kept on thinking about the definition of pain, how it worked and most importantly what would push people to inflict it to others. Her mind was rushing with excruciating memories from cases she'd handled, victims she'd helped, people she wasn't able to save, people who died right before her eyes, even her childhood memories, her father, her mom, her sister kim. Everything was going too fast inside her mind as if her life was flashing right before her eyes.

...

**Thursday, November 28th. 6:00pm. Rollins' building's basement.**

A cold silence was paralyzing the air in the basement. Everyone was quiet and motionless as if time had stopped turning. Heavy breaths and the buzzing noise of a flying mosquito were the only sounds desperately fighting silence. The detectives and the CSU technicians were all hypnotized by the horrifying images shown on the computer screen. Indeed, everyone in the basement assisted to a shocking scene of the abductor, ex Atlanta sergeant Mike Miller, rubbing a bloody knife on Amanda's cheek after ripping it out of her severely slaughtered thigh.

"God," Whispered Olivia under her breath, breaking the overwhelming silence. Nick putting both of his hands over his head was stunned by the images. Not able to look at the screen anymore he turned his face away. Fin showing his intense anger, suddenly grabbed Nick by the collar of his shirt, catching him by surprise, and yelled "KEEP LOOKING! IT'S ON YOU!". Liv quickly intervened to prevent Fin from punching Nick "FIN! STOP THIS NOW! GET AWAY FROM HIM!", then added in a calmer tone while facing the two detectives "It's on you too Fin... and on me for trusting the both of you!". Olivia pointing at the screen, continued "Amanda needs our help! Do you want to witness her murder too? So instead of fighting like little girls, get back to work or i swear i'll suspend both of your asses for a very long time!". Fin and Nick sharing a glance at each other, did not reply. "Is that clear detectives?" yelled out Liv expecting an answer. "Clear," Fin and Nick simultaneously responded.

Olivia turned her back to the detectives and focused her attention on the CSU tech Rubens Moralles "Is there any way of knowing from where he's broadcasting this video?". "I'm afraid not, sergeant," Replied Moralles , nodding in disagreement, then continued "He took his precautions, he's using a special software to jam the signal... there's no way to trace him back."  
Olivia looking defeated by the news, kept quiet for a minute while continuously staring at the screen, then said "Wait... The back door... he got her out of this building from the back door, right?" Asking Fin, then she continued without giving him the time to answer her rhetorical question "There's got to be some stores in the neighborhood!?". Fin understanding where his boss was heading, interrupted her "Security footage... i'm on it sergeant." Liv nodded then added categorically "Nick go with him, and when you're finished get back to the precinct... and please no more fights!". Nick executing his sergeant's orders, followed Fin through the entrance of the back door.  
Olivia walked towards officer Moralles "Wrap everything up, we're going back to the precinct."  
"I'm on it sergeant." Replied Moralles.

Fin acknowledging a presence behind him turned his head around "Why are you following me?". Nick replied "Liv asked me to go with you"  
"I dont need your help." Said Fin annoyed, then continued walking towards the first store across the street that had security cameras outside.  
Not caring about Fin's attitude, Nick replied dryly "It's not up to you anyway."

Fin entered the store first then showed his badge "Police, i need the outside security footage."  
"What is this regarding, detectives?" Replied the store manager with a very pronounced accent.  
"Police business," Fin replied, starting to lose his patience.  
Noticing Fin's irritation, Nick decided to play the good cop on this one and intervened "Sir, please... excuse my grumpy partner, i'm detective Nick Amaro and we really need your security footage... it'll only take a moment i promise... it's very important... please."  
The store manager was hesitant but decided to cooperate with them. It was the only way he could get rid of them faster anyway. As the manager shot a cold gaze at Fin, he said "Follow me detectives, i keep the security monitors in my office, in the back."  
The detectives followed the manager to the back of the store and proceeded to view the security footage that covered the whole street outside the store. "Is there a particular timing you'd like to see? or you want all the videos? i mean if it's the case, it's going to take you a lot of time!" The manager said.  
"Could you play the footage from 1am til 6am this morning? " Asked Nick politely.  
"Let me see what i can do," Answered back the store manager then shortly added with a slight annoyance in his voice "I have to get back to my store detectives... here's the footage you asked for... press this button to play it and ... this one to fast forward it ... and this one to stop the video." "Alright, thank you for your cooperation sir," Replied Nick smiling.  
"Oh and do not touch anything else! i have cameras in my office as well," Said the manager with a threatening tone as he was heading back to the front of his store. "It's not like his store is crowded with customers..." Fin smirked under his breath.  
Nick focusing on the screen, kept on pushing the fast forward button when suddenly Fin yelled "Wow stop the video... there!". After Nick stopped the video when the clock on the monitor turned 2:55 am, the detectives noticed a dark van pulling over in front of the building. "You think it's him?" Asked Nick dubiously.  
"There's only one way to find out... play it," Replied Fin sharply.  
When Nick pushed the fast forward button again, everything went by too fast this time. The clock pointed at 3:15 am when the detectives witnessed a tall guy, carrying a passed out blond girl on his shoulder, walking at a fast pace towards the black van. The tall guy opened the trunk of the van and carefully put down the girl inside it, then closed the doors. Once he made sure no one was around, he hopped inside the driver's seat and hit the gas leaving nothing but skid marks on the asphalt. Nick felt like a frozen wind went suddenly through his entire body, he couldn't believe what he just saw, he felt even more guilty at that particular moment because he didn't protect his colleague as well as he had to. "Make a zoom on the plate number," Ordered Fin.  
Nick still gazing at the screen, didn't hear his colleague talking to him.  
Fin understanding that Nick was in shock from what he had just seen, didn't want to push his buttons any further and decided to let it slide. He knew that he was as responsible as Nick in Amanda's abduction, he was just too egotistical to admit it to himself. Fin realized that he had no right to treat him this way. It was just an unforgivable excess of anger and he had to control his temper from now on. "Hey... man... Are you with me? Can you zoom in, to make the plate number more visible?" Fin asked Nick as he patted him on his shoulder, gently this time.  
Nick feeling a pat on his shoulder jumped out a little, and said in confusion "uh... what? Oh... yeah the plate number...". After zooming in, Fin said, as he was writing down the numbers "We're gonna catch this son of a bitch... and i, personally will stick a bullet between his eyes.".  
Nick still in his dark bubble, ignored Fin's threatening comment then said "We gotta get back to the precinct. Liv is waiting."

...

**Thursday, November 28th. 8:00pm the warehouse.**

As the darkness showed itself, progressively covering up the daytime light, the warehouse was only lit up by moonlight.  
The camera fixed on a tripod was continuously filming what it looked like a passed out Amanda. As Mike miller was pacing up and down, making horizontal foot steps ten feet far behind the camera, deeply gazing at the floor, lost in his thoughts, his hands behind his back covered with Amanda's blood and as he walked, drops of blood kept on falling from the knife that he was holding tightly between his filthy hands. For the first time since his obsession for Amanda became so vivid, he strangely wasn't sure of what to do next. Mike knew that Amanda's team were actively looking for her, at least that's what he would had done if any of his detectives went missing back in the days when he was still a sergeant. In a panic moment, the idea of stopping everything and leaving the country crossed his mind for a split second but it was nonsense to him. He was blinded by revenge. None of this would've happened if it wasn't for Rollins, she was the reason he had his reputation ruined and his career jeopardized. As he stopped pacing up and down, Mike staring intensely at Amanda who was barely conscious, realized that he might be spending his last night breathing, thinking, living as a free man. "If this is my last night, might as well make it worth living," Mike mumbled under his breath, as he paced up towards Rollins, grabbing her violently from her jaw. "It's time to have some fun, honey! And then i'll end your miserable little life," Mike whispered angrily to Amanda's ear. Eventhough Amanda was extremely weak, unable to keep her head up, she was still conscious, and she realized that all the nightmares she'd been having the past year, were about to become true. Still holding her from her jaw with his left hand, "See that mattress over there?" Mike said as he pointed on the left side with his right hand. "That's where we're gonna have fun," He clarified.

...

**Thursday, November 28th. 8:00pm the SVU precinct.**

As everyone was gathered up staring intensely at the screen, Nick and Fin entered the bureau. They could feel the tension rising as they walked in.  
Olivia sitting on Fin's desk and absorbed by the screen, stood up when she noticed them "Guys, anything?" She asked in anticipation. "We got the footage of the kidnapping, we got a good look at the plate number of the van he used, nothing else," Replied Nick. "I made some calls, a friend of mine searched out the plate number on the database , the van is registered to a guy named Jeremy Gilbert, who reported the theft of his van two days before," Elaborated Fin. "So we have nothing? We don't know where Miller is? We don't know where he's keeping her..." Liv said hopelessly as she stood up walking towards the screen, which was showing a live streaming video of an injured Amanda, tied up to a chair and barely conscious. "It could be a garage, a warehouse somewhere..." Liv added while observing the screen intensely, trying to figure out all the details, anything that could help.  
"Sergeant. I need to talk to you," Said the CSU tech, officer Rubens Moralles. Liv giving her attention to Moralles said "What is it?". "In private?" Muttered Moralles pointing towards Liv's office. Olivia Intrigued, followed Moralles to her office then closed the door after they both got in "What's going on?" she said. "Do you recall when i told you that Miller jammed the signal, so we wouldn't be able to figure out from where he was broadcasting the video?" He said. "Yes, so?" Replied Olivia. "Well there might be a way to unjam the signal..." Said Moralles lowering his voice. "What? and you're telling me this now?" Yelled out Olivia. "Wait! calm down! i wasn't sure! it's not something that i do," Whispered Moralles. "What?" Said Liv, not understanding what he meant. "I know a guy who can unjam it using a software... but this guy is not clean. He's a hacker... a really good one... and if IAB knows that he's involved and that i protected him, i'm finished! they've been trying to catch him for months!" Added Moralles intensely nervous. "Rubens, this is really important, Rollins is one of us! she's my detective... she's my friend! i promised that i would protect her... and i failed! you have to call your friend, and i will protect you and him, i promise you," Said Liv, desperately. "What if we get caught?" Moralles said, obviously afraid. "We won't! and if something goes wrong and they ask you, then put the blame on me... everything... on me," Olivia guaranteed him. Moralles gazing at Liv was impressed by the sacrifice she was willing to make for the sake of her friend. After a minute, he took his phone out and dialed his friend's number. Olivia noticing his gesture, looked at him smiling and nodded as a thank you. Once Moralles hung up his phone, he said "He can do it from a distance." "Really?" Replied Liv surprised. "That's how good he is, sergeant," Replied Moralles then added "All i need is the computer, he's going to transfer to me the software on this computer, and it'll take about ten minutes to unjam the signal. We'll be able to get his location easily afterwards."  
"Alright, let's not waste anymore time!" Replied Olivia as they both left the office heading towards the computer.

"Guys gather up! Detective Rollins has been held in captivity for almost eighteen hours now. Mike miller is a dangerous man, we have to be ready. We'll be able to get a location shortly, i want everyone on the field, no exceptions!" Liv explained. "Wait what? how? i thought the signal was jammed?" Asked Nick confused. "Don't ask, don't tell," Replied Olivia lowring her voice. Fin staring at the screen, mumbled "Oh god..." drawing everyone's attention to the screen, showing a furious Miller grabbing Amanda violently from her jaw.  
"Hurry up," Said Olivia nervously, standing next to Moralles. "I'm doing what i can, sergeant!" Replied Moralles anxious but focused.

As the detectives were preparing themselves while looking at the screen, Moralles yelled out "Got it! They are in the Bronx, 1220 Randall avenue." "Let's go!" Ordered Olivia.

...

**Thursday, November 28th. 8:30pm the warehouse.**

Mike Miller stepping behind the chair where Amanda was sitting, cut the ropes using his knife, then he kneeled down in front of her and did the same with the ropes on her feet. Amanda not able to hold herself up straight on the chair, collapsed on the floor but she was still aware of what was going on around her eventhough she couldn't respond. "It's showtime!" He chuckled. Mike grabbed her from the floor, carrying her on his shoulder then walked towards the mattress and violently tossed her body over it like a lifeless piece of flesh. As Amanda landed on the mattress, she released a heavy moan expressing her pain. Mike brought a new set of ropes then started tying up Amanda's arms and legs spreading them wide open. As he spread her arms wide open, one arm on each side, Amanda shouted in pain. "Oh honey, your broken shoulder! I'm so sorry, i'll make it up to you, i promise," Said Mike, laughing condescendingly. Amanda with her arms and legs spread wide open, couldn't move, her vision was getting more blurry, she understood what was about to happen to her and that she was absolutely powerless, so at that precise moment she wished only for one thing, she wished she was dead. As Mike was about to climb on top of her to unzip Amanda's pants, he heard a big bang and a voice screaming loudly "POLICE!". Unable to run away, Mike in panic, grabbed a gun from the back of his jeans and pointed it at Amanda's head saying "I didn't want to use my gun on you honey... but i guess i don't have a choice now, do i?". The SVU squad approaching Miller slowly, pointed their guns at him, "POLICE! DROP YOUR WEAPON!" Yelled Olivia, heavily sweating while glancing at Amanda tossed on the mattress, half conscious. "GET ANY CLOSER AND I SWEAR I'LL PULL THE TRIGGER!" Yelled back Miller, standing behind Amanda -still immobilized on the mattress- with his gun on her forehead. "You know you can't get out of here alive if you shoot her, Miller" Said Nick in a calmer tone, trying to negotiate with the unstable man. "SHUT UP! I'M GONNA SHOOT!" Screamed Miller, then added shaking uncontrollably "IF i GO TO HELL, SHE GOES WITH ME."

Right when the atmosphere became icy cold in the warehouse, a shot was fired.


	20. Chapter 20 (Finale)

**_Final chapter here! Thank you all._**

* * *

**One month later.**

"How often do you think about it?" The man asked, sitting in his chair focused on the note pad between his hands. After a minute, still no answer. "Are you with me?" He asked again, looking up towards the window. "...Uh... What? sorry... What was your question?" Replied back Amanda in confusion. "What were you thinking about at this precise moment?" Dr Lindstrom asked. Amanda standing, facing the window and utterly lost in her thoughts with her right shoulder immobilized in a cast, walked back to her seat, facing Dr Lindstrom. "Things..." She finally said. "What kind of things?" Insisted Dr Lindstrom. "I think... about... everything. Every little thing... i guess i've always been a thinker..." Amanda replied gazing away. "Would you qualify yourself as an overthinker?" Dr Lindstrom asked her while taking notes. "I guess you can say that... It has always been a problem... i guess ," She replied smiling then added "And don't ask me *How so*, cause i wouldn't know what to tell you." Dr Lindstrom stared at her intensely then said after a minute "How so?". Amanda rolling her eyes in disbelief smirked "Are you kidding me?" then added while adjusting her injured arm "I don't know. I know it's a problem but i don't know how to explain it... it just keeps me in the dark... sometimes i feel like i'm suffocating, drowning in my own mind... and i don't know how to snap out of it." Dr Lindstrom writing notes, said "Mmh. You didn't answer my first question though. How often do you think about the kidnapping?". Amanda feeling a sharp pain in her chest as she heard the question, took a deep breath and said sharply "All the time." "Amanda, it's been a month and you still didn't say anything about what happened after he took you to the warehouse. Everytime i bring it up, you dodge the subject. I understand how hard it is for you but we need to talk about what happened that day." Dr Lindstrom explained quietly. Amanda staring at him silently, crossed her legs. As warm tears were coming down her cheeks, she quickly wiped them away with her left sleeve. "Do you feel ready to talk about it yet?" Dr Lindstrom insisted. Amanda keeping her head down mumbled an inaudible "...Don't know..." "I'm here to help you Amanda, i'll walk you through it." Dr Lindstrom reassured her. "... Okay," She replied lacking conviction. "Good... Do you remember all of it?" Dr Lindstrom asked. "I was pretty hammered with all the sedatives he gave me, plus the pain killers i took for my shoulder the previous night, i passed out few times i think... but i remember most of it..." She replied. "Mhh, how were you feeling in that moment?" Asked Dr Lindstrom. "Like someone who was kidnapped! God what kind of question is that?" Replied Amanda annoyed. "Amanda, you have to understand that i'm not your enemy, i just want you to feel okay, i need you to cooperate with me, please," He explained calmly. After a minute, Amanda running her left hand through her hair, sighed "...Um... i... i was scared. I think i've never been that scared. I thought it was the end for me... " "Alright, go on." Dr Lindstrom said. Amanda felt a rush of anxiety rising up again, she stood from her seat then walked towards the window and said "There was a moment... where i literally saw my life flashing before my eyes. It was a strange feeling... i wasn't scared at that moment. It was a mix of emotions... as if i wasn't there with him in that place, tied to that chair anymore. I felt happy for a split second when i saw my dad's smile, then sad when i saw myself at his funeral... then angry running after my sister because she was annoying me. Just images flickering fast, one after another, accompanied by a special feeling." "At what part did you see these images?" Dr Lindstrom asked intrigued. Amanda still standing in front of the window, turned her head and stared at the shrink for a while then she said sharply "When he stabbed me on my thigh. Twice."

Dr Lindstrom didn't break eye contact with Amanda, he wanted to see her reaction as she was telling him about the sordid, atrocious things that the abductor did to her. She was showing intense anger mixed with unbearable pain. It was part of the healing process. She needed to talk openly about that day. She needed closure. "You were loosing a lot of blood. That explains the flickering images and the hallucinations." Dr Lindstrom explained. He was about to ask her a very triggering question, a question that he never brought up in the past three sessions they had after the kidnapping, thinking she wasn't ready yet, but since she was making considerable progress and she finally started talking about what happened in the warehouse, Dr Lindstrom decided to take risk anyway "Did he rape you?"  
Amanda defeated, sighed as she heard the question, then went back to her seat and answered with a simple "No."  
When she saw Dr Lindstrom looking at her quietly, she figured out that he wanted her to elaborate "He was about to... but he didn't have the time. My squad came on time. He pointed the gun at my head... i couldn't move, i was tied up to the bed, " Then she added after clearing her throat "Sometimes i can still feel the gun pressed against my forehead. I guess i was in a great deal of pain... my shoulder was totally busted... i heard a lot of screams. I couldn't distinguish who was saying what. Then i heard a gun shot. I didn't really understand what happened, i thought he pulled the trigger on me... and that i was... dead. But then i heard a familiar voice, it was my sergeant. Next thing i know, i was in a hospital bed dosed up with pain meds." She paused then continued with a tear coming down "Surrounded by my friends." Dr Lindstrom kept taking notes then said "How are you feeling, right now. After you told me this."  
"I don't know." She replied. "Okay. How do you feel about going back to work?" Dr Lindstrom asked. Amanda thought for a moment then said "I can't wait, i was hoping i could start back this week but my sergeant refused. She said it's too soon and i still needed to recover from my shoulder."  
"She's right, you know," Dr Lindstrom asserted. Amanda rolling her eyes away said "I know... it's just that it's been a month... and i just can't cope on my own,"  
Dr Lindstrom seemed interested by Amanda's last comment, he wrote some notes then said "How so?"  
"I need to be constantly distracted," She replied then smirked "I've actually read all the books in my apartment and watched all the movies i possibly could... just to be constantly distracted... just to be away from myself."  
"And did that work?" He asked the tormented woman. "Just for a bit... and then as soon as i'm done with the book or the movie... i sink back. But with work, there's a lot of action, i need to be focused all the time and that helps. And also it's the only place where i feel useful... wanted... needed... " She said, wiping the tears away "God... i hate this..."  
"What is it? What do you hate?" Dr Lindstrom asked the young blond. "This feeling of wanting to be wanted, to be needed almost all the time... i just... i don't know... i guess this is loneliness talking..." Amanda replied, depressed. "Do you receive visits from your friends?" Dr Lindstrom asked. "From time to time... just for a bit... They're busy so it's understandable. I don't wanna be clingy or depend on them... but sometimes... it feels good to be understood, to be surrounded by the right people, ya know." Amanda replied with dark desperation in her eyes. As Dr Lindstrom looked at the clock, he said "I think we're done for today, we should continue next week. I believe this must be very tiring for you. You need to clear your mind a bit for now... and rest. Don't forget that you should be proud of yourself today because you did well Amanda. You're making considerable progress."  
Amanda still tormented, smiled back at him politely then left his office.

...

**Amanda Rollins' apartment 6pm.**

Amanda was taking a power nap in her bedroom, the session at the shrink pumped all of her energy out and she was really exhausted, the pain medications that she'd been taking for her shoulder might also be responsible for her fatigue. Besides, sleeping was by far the best distraction that could keep her away from the harsh reality of life. She was still struggling with sweaty nightmares from time to time but it was mostly at night. Amanda still asleep, was drifted away from a dream she was having by a knock on the door. She flinched her eyes wide open, a little disoriented. Amanda thought it was just part of the dream she just had, but another knock on the door proved her wrong. She finally stood up and walked to the door, shaking her head. "Nick! Come in!" Said Amanda, pleased to see him but surprised. After looking at her, Nick figured out that she was asleep "Hey... oh were you asleep? i'm really sorry!"  
"Oh don't be silly... come on in," Amanda insisted. Then added curiously "Is everything okay?"  
"Oh yeah... don't worry. I just wanted to check on you," He responded, a little intimidated. Amanda smiling, stepped away from the door "That's sweet of you... Nick," after they both sat down in the living room she asked him if he wanted anything to drink but he declined "Actually, i wanted to ask you something."  
Amanda's heart race up "Sure, what is it?". Nick stood up, he couldn't keep still "Are we cool?" "What?" Replied Amanda confused following him with her blue eyes. "I'm just a little confused about... that kiss." Nick finally mumbled. "Oh... yeah... the kiss." Amanda said, lowering her head down, a little embarrassed, then she explained "Look Nick... that kiss was a mistake. We were both vulnerable... crazy things were happening. I think we just got carried away...". Nick trying not to look disappointed, interrupted her "Yes yes, that's right... that's what i thought too..." "So answering your question, yes we are totally fine," Said Amanda smiling. Nick smiling at her said "Great," then he changed the subject after an awkward silence had installed between them "Oh Fin says hi." Amanda smiled "How is he? did he get his gun back, i mean after a month, he should be okay, no?"  
"Well you know Fin, he's a tough cookie. IAB concluded that it was a good shoot in a hostage situation... so he should be fine," Nick said, then added shaking his head in disbelief "Man... one bullet between his eyes... Fin didn't miss that son of a bitch," "Well... it was either Miller or me," Smirked Amanda, looking away. "Oh that's not what i meant...sorry," Apologized Nick blushing. "Relax, it was just a joke Nick," Replied Amanda laughing. Avoiding another awkward silence, Nick decided to take off "Alright, i'm glad you're okay... um, i better go now." "Oh yeah, okay... bye!" Replied Amanda while walking him to the door.

...

**At the dinner 9pm.**

Amanda entering the dinner, waved at Olivia sitting at a table in the back of the room. "Hey!"  
"Hey!" Replied Liv smiling "I thought you'd never come," She added. "You have no idea how long it takes to put on a shirt with this abominable cast," Amanda said in a funny tone as she was sitting facing Olivia. "Ouh i can imagine! Wanna order something? It's on me!" Liv said while waving at the waiter. "Oh i hoped it would!" Laughed Amanda then made her order once the waiter came to their table "I'll have a soda please."  
Olivia at her turn made her order "A coffee for me please, thanks!" "Right away, ladies," Replied the waiter showing off his best smile. As the waiter left, Olivia said "so how was your day?"  
"Oh it was okay, i didn't do much, i spent almost all the afternoon at the shrink's office," Amanda replied. "And how did it go?" Olivia asked, concerned. "Well, it was a session at the shrink, what are you expecting?" Laughed Amanda then added "He said that i was making progress..."  
"That's great!" Replied Liv then added intuitively "But you don't seem very convinced, do you?"  
Amanda smiling, joked "I can't hide anything from you, can i?" Then added in a more serious tone "Well you know how it works, it's not that obvious for me.. I mean you've been there yourself. I guess i just have confidence issues." Olivia nodding compassionately responded "Yeah i know what you mean," As she was talking, the waiter served them their beverages , "But you know, you gotta give it time... it's been only a month. You have to take it slowly. Also don't be too hard on yourself."  
Amanda lowering her head down, grabbed her drink and said "I know...i know."  
Olivia sipping her coffee said "And you know you can count on me? if you need anything just call"  
"I appreciate it Liv, thanks." Amanda replied grateful, then added after a moment "I'd like to go back to work, Olivia. I think it'll help me to get back on my feet.". As she heard this, Olivia sighed "Amanda, you know you're not a hundred percent ready for this yet! your shoulder is still on a cast and there're a lot of things to think about. You know i care about your safety first!"  
"I know, and i appreciate it very much, i'm not asking to go on the field! just behind the desk... paperwork! God knows you guys are sinking under tons of paperwork! and besides you said if i needed anything, i could count on you! well that's what i need," Said Amanda smiling with her puppy eyes, almost begging. Olivia looked at Amanda slightly bothered but in an amicable way, then she looked away, "Okay Fine! If that's what you want..."  
"Thank you Olivia, i really appreciate it" Said Amanda, relieved. Olivia nodded "No problem." Then she added smiling "Oh... one more thing... i know i said you could count on me, but don't push it! i'm still your superior"  
Amanda laughing, put her valid hand up "Okay sergeant!". Both of the ladies laughed and kept on sipping their beverages while engaging in a nice small talk.

**The End**


End file.
